Never


One thing about the word never is to never say you'll never...
I told myself that I'll never go back here, that I will never post anything here but here I am now...
But that was a choice that I had to make, because I could have posted this thoughts on my other blog but then again, I told myself that I will never post sad thoughts on that site...
My blue skies,
Do you know how important that is to me?
Blue skies


I'm in the dark again...


Rain fell at 9:29 am

For Papa


Love and prayers I send to you wherever you are now.
I pray that this may reach you and that you know that I remember.
I'm sorry if that I couldn't take care of her now, it was a choice she had to make, we had to make, and I know that you understand that it will all be for the best.
The memories I have of you will always remain in my heart.
I'm glad that I was a part of your final hours here on earth. No regrets.
And I know that you're watching over her now, and that you're saying your prayers for her too.


Happy Birthday Papa!


May God welcome you to His shining light and care!


Eternal Rest be given to your soul...

1st birthday!!!

Time flies really fast, its been a year now since I stumbled upon a blog which inspired me to create my own, write down my thoughts... It was a tough ride, that one year. But that one year would be one of the defining phases of my life I guess. And I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that I came upon this world, I'm grateful that I knew pain and how to deal with it... Thank you blogger!

A year later, 119 posts after (excluding this post), over 2 months of leaving yesterday behind and not writing anything here. I came back to face my past again, it doesnt hurt anymore, I guess time heals all wounds. The void has been filled anew and I see life in a more hopeful view. I guess I found myself here again because I feel that I owe something to my dark skies, without darkness, I can never appreciate the beauty of my blue skies... the colors that light up my world now are ever more radiant, rain will fall and will subside... and there will be rainbows to color the skies...

And to you my fellow bloggers, Thank you! for the times you checked on me, for the tags, for the comments. For exhanging links, although some of you have already changed or completely erased me in your links, thank you for your time and for the friendship. Its something that I will always cherish. Also, thank you for nominating this blog at the Philippine Blog Awards.

Just seeing my url there gives me the shivers!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I hope that you will still continue to visit my new blog...

Happy Birthday to my blog!!!

Leaving yesterday behind

Baby and me, May 2002

For so many months this was my site, my spot... my voice was heard right here...
my pitiful cries, my helpless pleas...

and now I'm leaving.

All the memories I've left behind, I'm leaving it all to you.

This is my lasting gift for you... my love.

Every moment that I spent with you, I'm gonna cherish it forever.

You have become a part of me, What I am now, What I've become, the things I've learned some of it I owe to you.

I want to thank you for your love, and I would forever be grateful for the things we shared.

Our love, each little piece of our time together, I'll hold it close to my heart.

I wish you well, My Baby!

I'm moving on, I'm happy now.

And I wish you'll find your happiness too.

++_ _+_ _++

I must admit I feel a little sad leaving this spot, this spot that has been my home in the internet universe...

but I'm just moving on, I'm moving on to a new site... new address...

I'm hoping you'll still follow me there, for all you wonderful people who made me one of their daily reads back when I was the blog addict who writes almost everyday, I hope I'll see your name on my tagboard.

:: y a j ::


thats @ http://paintmyskiesblue.blogspot.com

See you there!!!

++_ _+_ _++

LEAVING YESTERDAY BEHIND
Keno

Since you left me, I never really tried
To put my life to where it should belong
And I've always let the past gone by
I'm realizing that it could be wrong

But now I fin'lly knew
I had to let it go
To make way for a brighter tomorrow

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before

Since I know that I never will forget
The memories that made my yesterday
I will try not to let it interfere
The choices I will make along the way


'Cause I'm not livin' in a world of fantasy
I'm here now in the world of reality


So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
Just the way I did before

rain fell and washed away my tears at 10:56 am

Usapang Kalye 3


One afternoon, after we played basketball and we were enjoying RC Cola...


[Makoy] Bwisit talaga yang bata na yan.
[Jhe] Sino?[Makoy] Yan si Mico
[Mokong] Bakit naman?
[Makoy] Napakabastos e, namamakyu! (meaning, the kid was giving him the finger)
[Mokong] e talaga lang bastusin ka siguro, bakit naman kame hinde pina-fuck you-han nyan
[Makoy] Batukan ko kaya?
[Jhe] Gago ka ba? E kung magsumbong yan kay Mang Dante?!?(Mang Dante is Mico's father, a retired AFP soldier)
[Mokong] Dating sundalo yun, baka kala mo, me baril pa yun
[Makoy] E di sasabihin ko " namamakyu yung anak mo e, e kung ikaw kaya Fuck you-han ko, di mo ako babatukan? "
[Mokong] e kung sagutin ka, "Hinde, kse babarilin kita!"
[Makoy] sasabihin ko " e di hinde ko kayo papakyuhan..."


I dont know about you, but I laughed with that exchange of wit, if you may call it wit or just plain humor. But seriously, I wondered how much fear we have for our lives at gunpoint. Why in the world would we humans think about creating something that would destroy life. I don't buy the idea of self preservation, I think its more of being able to control others, of having the power or dominance over another. We live in a world where everybody wants to be king.

I think this world needs to get rid of all things that are meant to destroy and not to preserve... Nukes, guns, weapons of mass destruction and everything that was invented that life itself is against of... Just like Makoy who fears nothing except a gun being pointed to his face. We all need to feel safe with others no matter how big their fingers are.


yaj gazed the stars at 2:39 pm

never last

There is no lasting happiness.

Not in this world.

One moment you find yourself dancing in glee while singin' in the rain and the next day you got yourself an aching back and a sore throat.

Some good things never last. they never will.

Sometimes I wish I could just get stucked in time, seize and freeze the moments I wore a smile on my face and felt real happy inside.

Sometimes I wish I never knew what it's like to feel happy so I wouln't go looking for it when it has left and flown away.

No matter how hard you try to free yourself from all the world's anxieties it will always have a way of catching up on you.

All these shall come to pass.

Including happiness.

rain fell at 1:24 pm

Trust

I'm in some sort of a writing slump right now, I have been constantly playing with the letters and the backspace key since yesterday, I must have been really worn out. All the writings I've been doing the past few months might have drained me out. and here I am still tryin' to make up words, make up for the lost time. Lost time in the blogworld. I hope somehow I'll come up with something worth reading.

I guess I'll just talk about the word "trust" right now.
Every relationship, or should I say any kind of human relationship would require this simple intangble thing. Not many of us can freely or easily give it, Its something you have to work on, it's something you have to earn. I myself have been in lots of trouble by trusting and not trusting people. Either way I get hurt and I find myself asking " to trust " or " not to trust ".

I guess you'd sense the anger and the frustration as you read on, probably you're wondering what am I leading to, what do I really wanna say, No, don't expect me to be able to weave catchy lines, I'm too enraged for that now.

It just so happened that the person whom I trusted so much ran away with our youth organizations fund, took off with the basketball players money and left me with a reputation of being an irresponsible youth org's president.

I used to admire him for his tireless dedication, and hardwork, little did I know of his real motives.

We found a copy of the draft of the financial statement that he made and compared it with the ones he submitted to us. and oh my, you'd be surprised with the discrepancies.

I wonder how he sleeps at night.

And that guy with a hairlip, "ngongo" to use our mother tongue, have been wanting all his life to be the recipient of a model youth award.

I wish you sleepless nights, and another hole in your nostrils

rain fell at 3:11 pm

She sent me this via email yesterday... I'm pretty sure it's something you'll all think about... The one that got away...

Read this...
The one that got away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal


In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with whom, everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cardsjust didn't fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.


If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.


But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

***

I've read your *latest blog yesterday...it was good! I was touched. I'd like to think that it is never too late... I don't know yet if you really did get away or will get away. I will always have hope in my heart and I hope that you do too... Hey...I'm going to Boracay, wish me a happy trip there! Gonna stay there for 4 days.Ü

I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Wish you happiness... wish you a happy trip...

(*latest blog= One and gone article)
(text in bold italics= that's her, talkin' to me.)

rain fell at 1:02 am

One and... Gone

Our eyes met, we held that gaze for a while, one moment that could last forever.
Our lips followed, savouring the feel of our tongues together, not wanting to part ever.
I held your bosom as I gently bid goodbye to your lips and adore your neck, down to your throat.
The touch of your smooth skin, the feel of your body next to mine. Oh how could I resist your love?
I paced slowly, kissed your entire being, memorizing every inch of you.
I felt your warmth, your kiss, your touch, it's you saying I want you, I love you... I want you now...
I slid down, felt the heaven in you... heaven in us...
We were one...
We danced to the rhythm our bodies made.
Souls on fire.
One moment that seemed like eternity.
Our kisses grew more passionately now more than ever we felt in union, in love.
and that spur of a moment, that glimpse of heaven, you whispered... I love you...

I love you back...

We slept in each other's arms, cradled with love never ending.

And I'll wake up alone, you left.

and I'm left chasing the dream...

rain fell at 12:09 pm

...

I spoke to her last night, it still feels weird talkin' to someone who at one point in your life became your life and for all it's meaning, still is...
I miss her. for the nth time I've written it down, screamed it in my mind with the hope that it would reach her. Now she's hearing it from me but its not gonna mean anything anymore.
Because I'm with someone else now, someone probably more deserving than her.
and so is she.
She asks me, " Do you feel that I still love you? "
I couldn't make a word out of it and just say " I guess so..."
and she blurts out, "The feeling is still there, but I don't want to be with you, not now... "
" ... that's why I still can't get myself to commit with him, not until I'm over you... "
" Perhaps someday we'll meet again and when we feel that we still love each other, and the need is still there, we'll be together again. "

Yeah, someday.

I'll stop asking why we can't be together even though we both know how much we still ache for each other.
I'll stop breathing your name, I won't be kissing you in my dreams anymore.

Because you'll be here.

someday.

rain fell at 11:28 pm

Thank you

Thank you for the love you gave me;
and its memories that faded along with it...

Thank you for the kisses we shared;
and the nights I spent tryin' to erase it from
my mind

Thank you for your warm embrace;
and that sad feeling of holding myself alone...

Thank you for the touch of your hand;
and for making me realize how sweaty my palm could be

Thank you for the times we made love;
for the times we were one;
and for emptying the void in me.

Thank you for walking out the door
and for leaving it open

for love to come again...

rain fell at 11:56 pm

Usapang kalye 2

Makoy: May bago na namang nadagdag sa bokabularyo nitong si Den-den tol
Mokong: Ano yun?
Makoy: Ano daw yung ilalagay sa Character reference pag gagawa ka ng Bio-data.
Denden: E di ano, Tall, dark and handsome. Tama naman di ba?
Mokong: Ano daw? ( in a funny, mocking tone)
Makoy: Tanga!, mali yun. Ang character reference yun yung gulay o prutas o kaya hayop na gustong kainin ng nanay mo nung buntis sya sa iyo. Yun yung kung saan ka ipinaglihi, kaya ka nagkaganyan.
Mokong: Hinde! Character reference, yun yung parang bibliography pag gagawa ka ng term paper. Halimbawa, mahilig ka sa Cartoons kaya cartoons ka din mag-isip, o kaya mahilig ka sa basketbol, dahil mahilig ka magbasa tungkol sa NBA.
Makoy: Ay tama, pinakasafe na sagot dyan, Bible para masabi nila na mabait ka.
Denden: Mali pala yung sinagot namin ni Mike, siya nilagay niya slim, saka tall.

Malamang.

Don't worry after pulled the nonsense crap, I explained to him what Character Reference really was.

:)

[fyi: mokong is yaj's alter ego (not that it matters :)]

rain fell at 11:47 pm

Moving on...

From fio.

I've been wanting to post this beautiful piece but I haven't got the guts to do it back then...

Moving on, two small words I can't ease my way through...

and so I owe my inspiration to this piece...

I've had enough.

No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of. No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. And no, never will I again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on... ???

I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once you stayed. And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one woman I felt it for. I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the woman who left.

I will give my affections to any woman who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give her the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least she's here, you're not.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think you. I'll just try to smile.

I am moving on... I guess, and hoping that the next thing would be letting go...

rain fell at 10:22 am

Ready now

I'm ready now,
to open my heart
once more
;to face the world
without you

I'm ready now,
to love and risk
getting hurt again
;to start my life
anew

I'm ready now,
to leave your
memories behind
;to look back
and smile...

Because I know in
my heart I gave it all
for you...
And I can give it all
again.

The dreams we dreamt
won't die nor will it
fade with our love
but will live on,
as long as there is
you and me.

I'm ready now,
to love and let go
to dream and believe
in love again.
to live my life
without you

++_ _+_ _++

This song is for her... every word, every line I sing for her...

In my life
Lennon-McCartney

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

rain fell at 11:58 am

I dig this song, This was one of the winners of the Himig Handog Love Songs contest Written by Ted Reyes & Jeff Antiporda and interpreted by none other than Rico Blanco... I really like this song, I've just finished downloading this song and it's still playing in my head...

Sing with me...

Bye Bye Na

Eto na ang gabi
na ikaw ay aalis
at iiwan mo ako

Sa lahat ng gabi
Ito ang ayaw dumating
sana ay umaga na

Tatawagan mo pa rin ba 'ko
Susulatan mo pa ba ako
Tayo parin ba 'ng dawala
Kahit... na

Bye bye na
aalis ka na
Bye bye na rin ba
sa ating alaala

Meron kang makikita
mas higit pa sa akin
pag ika'y malayo na

Wag mong lilimutin na narito lang ako
hawak ang larawan mo

so long...?

++_ _+ _ _++

It takes time to heal...
Takes time to gather strength...
to face and look up at the sky at the world...

It would take time to be whole again...

rain fell at 1:22 am

From the grave

HI!

It's been so long, I don't where to start, but I must say that I really missed writing. Anyway what prompted me to speak and rise from the grave were your voices, calling out... I know most of you guys are worried sick about what happened to me. but I am fine, I guess I can say that now...

I'm fine.

A week ago (Feb.11 to be exact) some of my writings from this very same spot was published in the 2bu section of the Inquirer newspaper. Thanks to re: Pam Pastor who happens to be the Chief of Correspondents of that column who picked my ramblings and published my tear's work at PDI... Seein' how badly bruised I was 6 months ago just gave me enough reason to be thankful that I survived and that I can smile now...

A part of that I owe to you who patiently browsed my everyday rants...

I am not saying goodbye, though I sound like I am.

I just don't know how to start, coz I feel like I owe you guys at least the gist of what happened to me during my month long hiatus...

But I'm here now...

I'm back, from the grave.

Maybe somehow you can help me rearrange my life...

Like scattered pieces of a lifesized jigsaw puzzle...

Thank you for stickin with me.

Now I'm stucked with you too...

darkness fell at 11:55 pm

Year Ender

It's been a while since I last wrote something here, so now I decided that this would be my last entry for the year 2003, although things are working out well for me now, her shadow still remains... I'm leaving this as my farewell entry for this year and I'm hoping that I can leave the past and her memories behind... I have lots of things to tell you guys lotsa things my heart want to scream about, actually this post is really late na coz it's already 2004, but I decided to include it on my December Archive maybe because it really fits there since December ko naman sinulat.
amidst all the confusion I am in, I am so thankful that you stuck with me...
So there, I want to leave this behind...
I wanted to tell her goodbye, in fact that's what I did... my last email for her...

+++++

My baby,

I want to tell you that I miss you, that I long to be in your arms, tell you that your my only wish this christmas, yeah I know it's true. But my heart wanted and wished for something more...
I wanted to wish that Santa would give you back to me as my Christmas present, but that is not what my heart and soul wished for...

I wished for you to be happy, for you to have someone who will love you the way I did perhaps even more. I wished for your happiness even if it meant that I won't be part of it anymore... I wished for someone who'll take care of you the way I wanted to... I wished that Averill will find a better "Jay" to play with him, love him... the way I loved him.

Take care my Baby, this is the only way I can let you know how much I still love you, I don't care if I run out of wishes for me. I just want you to be happy...

Perhaps one day, you'll find that you still need me and my love. One day you'll be able to say that you found someone who loved you with all heart and soul and you want to be in my arms again, but until then, I want you to find your own peace and joy...

So this is it, I'm not saying goodbye... I just don't want to get in your way... I'm just here if you need me...

So long baby... You'll always be my baby...

I leave this song to you...

2 4 1 (my favorite song)

I want to live forever
inside your nights and days
wish upon a silver cloud
crawlin 'cross the moonbeams

a summer night in heaven
between the stars and waves
gaze across the ol bonfire
trample on my heartbeat

wanted to turn you on
my favorite song
wanted to be near you
but somebody owns you now
(I'll try to live somehow)

i love you with a fire
ablaze until time's end
but what good is a heart
when it shudders to speak
i guess it's too late now...


I love you;

I always will...

love,

jay

Saw her friendster account... I don't know what I saw in it, but somethin' tells me that she's living her life now... and I'm no longer part of it... not anymore... ever no more...

*sighs*

darkness fell at 3:24 am

averill

This morning, mom handed me the phone and I was surprised to hear that familiar voice of a kid on the line.
Averill, her nephew called me up and said "hi jay".
So I asked him, why he called and he said, "kase namimiss kita"
I didn't know what to say, I just asked him "Kelan mo ako gusto pumunta dyan?"
He blurted out "Gusto ko everyday.."
I wish I could.
I know the kid misses me a lot and I missed him too.
And I miss her a lot...

darkness fell at 2:49 pm

Lies

I keep telling myself;
I don't love you anymore, I don't think of you;
I'm not waiting for you, I won't ;
I'm done with waiting...

I keep on saying;
I no longer hunger for your touch;
I miss you no more;
You have stopped plaguing my dreams...

I want to tell you;
That I can live without you
It matters not that you're not here.
It makes no difference...

Yeah;
These are the lies I keep on telling myself...

darkness fell at 12:39 pm

...

Hopelessly wanting...
desperately needing...

...please come back...

++_ _+_ _++

We were in the car, speeding our way to Tagaytay, when this song played In Jam 88.3, it broke my heart again

I can't make you love me
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

... am I prayin, wishin' for someone wo will never come?...

++_ _+_ _++

I'm seein some light down the tunnels' end...
some signs of life, slowly easing in, breathing into me...
but it's not from you...
I wish it won't fade out, though it hasn't noticed me yet...
Maybe someday, somehow I'll move on...
through you...
help me find the way...

darkness fell at 11:37 am

Busy

I've been busy as a bee the past few days and I barely even have time to sleep. Yesterday I only slept for about an hour and a half then we're off to the streets again. I've been busying myself with the christmas rush of activities to buy myself time away from the thought that my Christmas would be freezing cold. How Ironic.
It's a good thing I got elected President of the youth organization in our village. Somehow it gives me a little sense that I still have an ounce of worth, that I think my existence lacks. It helped me survive the cold months of last summer when we started falling at the edge of the proverbial cliff. It gives me a sense of fulfillment that I lack in most aspects of my darned life.
I still feel empty though...

++_ _+_ _++

Tough Luck

I can't remember when I last went to a Simbang Gabi, sobrang tagal na ata di ko na talaga maalala.
Yesterday I had to be there because I made a promise that I'll form a choir and sing for our chapel and I had that faint guilty feeling that I shouldn't be there.
Do you know that saying that if you'll be able to complete the nine days of simbang gabi, you'll get a wish that will surely come true?
I bet you already know what I'll be wishing for...
" Lord, I want her back..."
But luck seemed to turn against me. Yesterday while I was out with my youth members, my car hit a van while I was backing up...
And just now, I borrowed a mountain bike from Tito Sam and I couldn't return it in one piece... nasira ko lang naman yung stand...
Omen?
One of my friends teased, "Jay, wag ka kaya muna lumabas nitong linggong to, next week na lang, parang malas ka sa mga bagay na may gulong"
They say Life's like a wheel, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.
My wheel has been deflated, and I lie beneath it...

darkness fell at 4:26 pm

Miles away
Colin Blunstone

If I could reach you
You know I would
If I knew the way
The right things to say
If I could touch you
I wish I could
If I only knew where
You know I'd be there

Miles away
You're so many miles away
Living my lonely life
To live another day (without you)
Miles away
You're so many miles away from me
And I can't find you
All those miles (away)

If I could hold time
In the palm of my hand
I'd not let it through
I'd save it for you
If I had one wish
At my command
I'd want it to be
You wishing for me

Miles away
You're so many miles away
Living my lonely life
To live another day (without you)
Miles away
You're so many miles away from me
And I can't find you
All those miles away
Miles away from me

I remember her telling me how much she liked this song...

Now I sing it for her...

...

darkness fell at 11:56 pm

Bedside

I wake up in the morning and you're the first person that comes to my mind. I open my eyes and see your pictures at my bedside table. Frozen in time, held in a moment I can't get through.
They say, you should've kept her pictures and lock 'em up in your closet, but I can't, I tried to but every morning that I see that table empty, it only reminds me that you have already left me, probably for good...
Each morning I see you and I pray that one day I'll wake up with you by my side... again, never ever leaving.
And when it's time to sleep again, your face haunts me again...
and all I can do is try and touch it, kiss it as it fades away...

++_ _+_ _++

I've been receivin' lotsa different kinds of reactions re: my post yesterday, and frankly I don't know what to make of it... I agree with you guys, sobrang confusing.
One stand out tag on my tagboard reads:Yoko: So masaya ka dapat! well... think you should talk to her! Bet you have done that by now! Honestly natutuwa ako Yehey! Wish you love and happiness my friend!

I envy the flare and enthusiasm but I'm not ready to take false hopes this time.
Sure I wish you were right though;

darkness fell at 12:15 pm

Wreck

Everyday I check my email and pray that I see her name on my Inbox, and when I saw her name last night... I got so excited, the whole world didn't matter...

and this made me cry...

Subject: Re: if you'll learn simple chinese, you'll know what this means

Here We Are(Ken Zhu)

sha na jian
ni yan kuang hong le
wo xin ye sui le
hao duo zhen xin
ni zhuang kan bu jian
ba ju li tan zai yan qian

wo bu yao zai gu gu dan dan deng zhe ni
ai qing xi ti fan fan fu fu

here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei

hey..yeah yeah

wo bu shuo
ni ye hui dong le
wo wei he zhou le
rang ni zi jixue zhe yong gan
ye yao xue zhe jian qiang

wo bu yao zai gu gu dan dan deng zhe ni
ai qing xi ti fan fan fu fu

here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei
tong che xin fei

hey..
here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei

Para sayo talaga yan... i miss you.

++_ _+_ _++

so I searched for its english translation at google and found out what it means...

Here we are

Suddenly
Your eye shone with unshed tears
I feel my heart breaking
So much true feelings
You pretend not to see
Placing such distance between you and me

I don't want to wait for you all by myself
Such uncertainty in the lesson on love

Here we are, It's not a perfect world
Say goodbye to love
Wanting to leave this place, far away
Here we are, It's not a perfect world
Be honest about the scars
And it'll not hurt so deeply

Even if I don't say it
You'll probably know
The reason I left
To let you learn to be brave without me
And learn to be strong

It'll not hurt so deeply...

it didn't hurt, i got no cuts... only wounds that will never heal...
and I love you still

darkness fell at 3:41 am

Nothing

Nothing works for me now. I used to find comfort in writing and sometimes even just having an ear listening to my rants helps me get through the night. I don't know anymore. Nothing seems to help.
My mind screams for her thoughts to get out of my system, but my heart yearns for no one else but her. And I'm sick of it.
I want to hate her, to tell her I did you no wrong, I do not deserve this but I know that I can never hate her.
Lots of things have changed, Our nights have turned from warm to cold, The breeze has turned cruel on the homeless. But only one thing stands.

I used to be proud of it, I wanted to tell the world how much I feel for you. But no one cares to listen anymore.
Because it doesn't matter to her anymore.

I LOVE YOU STILL, EYEN!

I want you back, my whole being aches for you... but I can't do anything.
I have stopped sending messages to you, I can't stand hearing your voice... I want so much to tell you how much I want you back, plead with you.
But I do not want to burden you, neither do I want to bother you...

I am nothing without you.

God please, just one more chance...

darkness fell at 6:31 pm

Moments


This morning you were in my dream again. I took no control of it, you were there and I couldn't resist you.
Our lips tasted its own wine, our bodies locked together and held firmly the promise of morning dew in my eyes...
Our souls were as one, in solemn communion, our eyes never parting as we lay next to each other.
Just you and me.
There were no words, just us feeling, savouring every moment we have left.
Of love, unending, of promises unshattered, glorious, whole.
We will never be apart.
Then the dream fades away.
And I am left alone with my arms holding myself to a sickening embrace;
Of despair, of the shadows of a lost love, gloomy, scattered into pieces.

I can only scream in silence.
...I love you!, still.

++_ _+_ _++

This day marks the first month of the day she went away.
Too soon to forget, too painful to feel the ache...
Empty... desperately wanting...
Please...

Come back!

darkness fell at 1:35 am

showbiz

Had a long and exciting day yesterday, finally got to meet Maverick and Ariel The Misadventures of Maverick and Ariel, if you haven't seen them yet check out their show at ABC 5 on Mondays, 9:30 pm. I wrote someting about their show a few months back and now I went face to face with this two funny guys. Jeff, cheska and me went to ABS-CBN to watch them tape an episode of Home Along da Airport. We got to meet them thru Jeff's former office comrade John, a good friend of Charisse, who happens to be the lovely girlfriend of Maverick. (do you follow?) They were both nice. (Mav and Ariel) Ariel even asked me if I wanna join them on one of their episodes! Cool huh?
Then we were able to get behind the scenes of that Dolphy sitcom. I have to try and start gettin' used to this stuffs because this is goin' to be my world soon...
Dream on man!
Libre lang naman mangarap!


darkness fell at 3:28 pm

28

Today would've been our 28th month...
I miss you badly...
I want you to know that I remembered and that I will always treasure each moment I spent with you, every fifth day of the month...
I want you to know how much I still love you after all this time.
God knows how much I want you back...!

darkness fell at 11:56 pm

dreaming awake

hey steph, fio! look what I found...


"Are we sleep-walking through our waking state or wake-walking through our dreams"? and I got it for only 75 bucks! God bless Video City!

darkness fell at 11:22 am

Wounded

I've been wounded, beaten up, badly bruised and bleeding profusely, I could hardly stand on my own two feet, and yet I still reach for you, my hand reaches out for your hand... my lips waiting for your immortal kiss...
I crave and hunger for your warmth, your touch; and the feel of your skin next to mine, bodies intertwining, arms locked together... lips unparting evermore...
Our souls met, and kissed... and I awake with my pillows wet from the battle of holding on to a dream;
and I realize... you were never there...

darkness fell at 2:14 am

My immortal
evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Coz you're presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
I held you hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I tried so hard to tell
myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears

Got an offline message from Summer, she told me about this song so I went looking for it at once at google and kazaa!, ... Blag! it hit me straight in the face right away...

and though you're still with me... I've been alone all along...

darkness fell at 8:43 pm

Blue

This would've been my post 2 days ago if it weren't for the unexpected turn of events.
We were hangin' out at Jeff's rooftop and I stood there staring at the glitter of the christmas lights below...
And I got caught in a frenzy of mixed emotions...
Christmas is in the air again... a time for merrymaking and reflections... a time for love and giving... everything it embodies are the things I lack...

>>>
If I were a christmas light, my color would be blue.
It utters my sheer loneliness. It embraces the emptiness within.
It doesn't hurt the eye, but it's own eyes are drenched with tears.
Your stare can calm you, the flickering lights beckons you;
to return to your sorrows and devour the pain it feeds.
This blue and jaded being
will soon die of sadness.
Until she comes to turn off the lights,
Until she decides to light her own fire...
I await in blue....

darkness fell at 7:19 pm

I won't cry...

You may think I'm totally insane for posting this and I guess I am, coz I've been listening to this all morning. I stumbled upon this last night on a songhits mag after we finished our choir practice and I played and sang it while my friends laughed their hearts out. But I like this song... the melody, and voice harmony. Not to mention the crashing lyrics. But anyway this is my site so I don't have to apologize, and I'd be more than happy to hear that you immediately searched and downloaded this song in kazaa... *lol*

Hindi ako iiyak
The Flippers

Kapeng aking tinitimpla
Lagi ngayong lumalamig
Di ko malaman
Kung kulang sa tamis
Tasang walang kibo
Sa'ki'y nakatitig
Ako't siya'y naghihintay
masagi ng iyong bibig

Buhok na mahaba
Iniingat-ingatan mo
Noong isang linggo'y
pinaputulan mo ito
Marahil ay pagod lamang
Ang aking isipan
At di ko napansin
At hindi tinutulan

Huwag kang mag-alala
Di ako iiyak
Di magdaramdam
kahit na gapatak
Pag-ibig na minsan
Na aking dinanas
Sa tulad kong putik
Tama na at sapat

Pinong dati-rati'y bukas
Sa aking pagdating
Ngayo'y nakasara
At panangga sa hangin
Sanggol na nasanay
Nasanay sa ama
Ngayo'y natutulog
Kahit nag-iisa

... so there, I'm not crying anymore...
hanky anyone?

darkness fell at 10:57 am

Tremble

Things went well, I guess.
I saw her again, for the first time since doomsday I saw the girl I love; the same girl who broke my heart.
And I saw Averill again (her nephew), God I miss that kid!
I wanted so much to kiss her, I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her forever.
But I couldn't. How I died that instant.
Then I sat next to her at their dining table and how the old memories of me and her sitting next to each other drowned me, consumed my entire being.
How I ache for her.. I just kept on staring at Averill so I could keep my tears from falling.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
"... You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything."

I wanted so much to ask her to come back but I held it on to my thoughts.
Maybe because I was afraid she'd say no again.

++_ _+_ _++

Another heartbreaker

Averill didn't want to go home unless I go with him and play "China, china at his place" (Her kuya's house is just a few houses apart from their house).

Me: I'll go home na Averill
Averill: No, don't go
Me: I have to go home, magagalit na din Mommy ko, hinahanap na ako kse gabi na.
Averill: Mamimiss kita e.
Me: Babalik naman ako e.

Then I stood up from their couch and headed out, he held my hand and said " Balik ka tomorrow ha!"

I wish I could.

Believe it or not I love Averill, and I feel guilty because I kept thinking "Sana sya din ganyan sakin"
Sana katulad ni Averill, mahal nya pa din ako...

++_ _+_ _++

Lemon

Summer told me over YM "para kang sugat na pinipigaan ng dayap" [you're like a wound being squeezed with lemon].
Yes I knew it would hurt seein her again, but I didn't mind.
I'd take all the pain in the world if I could just have her back...

The hardest part was leaving...
I kissed her on her lips, hugged her and all I could ever say was... "Miss na kita"
I looked at her and waived my hand...
and went home with my eyes blurred with tears...
and I know, I'm pretty sure, I'll be comin' back for more...

God, please. I just want her back...

darkness fell at 1:33 am

Dungaw

Eto ako,
sa harap ng
kuwadradong aparatong
magdadalawang-oras ko
ng kalampungan;
Habang ikaw,
ay panay ang dungaw
sa maliit na bintanang
gawa ng labis na pighati.
Sansaglit kang nariyan
at dagling nawawala.
Saliw ng tugtog na
walang hatid kundi
ang alaala ng mga
yakap mo't halik.
Nanunukso;
Nangungutya...
Na para bang sabi
"O sana kung ang
larawan mo'y may
buhay
lagi ka sanang
narito't
di na muling lilisan;
at di na muling dudungaw
lang..."

* This is one of the rare occasions that I make poems in Filipino... when I'm in the real overly senti mode...and you know what? our deepest feelings are best expressed through our mother tongue I made it this morning while I was frozen in a blank stare and decided to post it na lang... bear with me..

++_ _+_ _++

I'll be seein her today... She called me up yesterday and she invited me to come by her house to celebrate Mama's birthday... You might think I'm stupid but that's how it is... I wanna see her... Wish me luck

darkness fell at 12:28 pm

Faint

Last night when I logged in to YM I got this Yahoo Mail alert that I have 3 new emails... I immediately checked it and I nearly passed out when I saw that all 3 emails came from her... (yes that's how weak I can get when it's about her)... Have you ever felt that feeling of chill coming up from your spines to your nape? that's exactly how I felt. I know I shouldn't be that surprised because I have been sending her the song lyrics I've been posting here and she just sent her replies... but these were all mind bogglers for me... maybe too much... I don't know... read on...


Can we still be friends?
Todd Rundgren

We cant play this game anymore
But can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before
But can we still be friends?

We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know, it's all gone

Let's admit we made a mistake
But can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take
But can we still be friends?

It's a strange sad affair
Sometimes seems that we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

Dannana Can we still be friends

Can we still get together sometimes?
Hey babe, can we still go on?
We awoke from our dream,
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet, sad, old song

Dannana, can we still be friends

Miss you,
baby

*the 2nd one, subject: you will always be a part of me

Always Be My Baby

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you wanna be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

[Chorus:]
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably
You'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

[Chorus]

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time
[Chorus]

Some lyrics may not seem to apply kasi mukhang dapat ikaw ang magsabi...
baby

* The 3rd email... subject: maybe we lack some of these...

10 Secrets to Fulfilling Relationships

The first secret? the power of THOUGHT.
Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about ourselves and others. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires.



The second secret? the power of GIVING.
If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself, freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship, ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.



The third secret? the power of RESPECT.
You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect ask yourself, "What do I respect about myself?" To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself "What do I respect about them?"



The fourth secret? the power of FRIENDSHIP.
To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which l

ove's seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.



The fifth secret? the power of LETTING GO.
If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was. Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. "Today I let go of all my fears, the past has no power over me - today is the beginning of a new life."



The sixth secret? the power of COMMUNICATION.
When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: "I Love You." Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them! If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and ... why are you waiting?



The seventh secret? the power of COMMITMENT.
If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.



The eighth secret? the power of PASSION.
Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone, it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.



The ninth secret? the power of TOUCH.
Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.



The tenth secret? the power of TRUST.
Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it, one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels trapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself, "Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?" If the answer is "no", think carefully before making a commitment.

*I don't know what else to think... but then again no... I know I want her back...

darkness fell at 10:56 am

Coke

Kiss me... I wanna feel you on my lips.
Feed the drought within me.
Satisfy the lust within.
Like the deranged vagabond that thirsts for you.
I succumb;
To your power that melts away the heat.
Pushes the yeasts I despise.
I no longer hunger for food.
I crave for you.
You're like cocaine.
yeah, that's what you are.
I'm addicted to you.
You're caffeine and soda and I can't refuse you.
Your the hand that takes the spoon to my mouth.
Because I know that you'll be there.
You can't stay in that bottle...
You know you won't.
You know I'll be there for the taking.
Come to me...

darkness fell at 12:29 pm

She sleeps

She's here.
I'm finally goin to be happy...
;at long last...
She'll be the one who'll wipe all my tears away. She'll be the one to catch me fall.
She'll take all my fears and turn them into joy. She'll breathe life into me again.
She'll stand by me and kiss my sorrows goodbye.
She'll take all my doubts... she'll fly with me to heaven.
I'll be one with her.

And with each passing night I'll never ever feel alone again.
And if pain comes knockin at my door once more, Boldly and bravely we'll face it together.

She's there, she's just around...

...I just don't know her name.

darkness fell at 1:21 pm

THE ART OF LETTING GO

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

will I ever?...

darkness fell at 11:18 am

I would've...

There are still so many things I wanna do with you, lots of things wanna give you...
There are still so many places I wanna go with you, but now I can't.

I wanna take you to Galera... I wanna chill with you in Baguio.
I wanna take you to places you've never been...

I still want to hold and take care of you...

I still wanna give you a ring.

and I still want to grow old with you.

I love you!... still...

darkness fell at 11:57 pm

I'm okay

A lot of people ask me if I'm okay and I'm getting a little sick of it.
Of course I'm okay, Why the hell would you think otherwise?

I'm okay.

I'm not hurting.
What happened to me just went off with a shrug.
Shit happens. I should know better than that.

I'm okay.

I don't miss her a bit.
I don't think of her anymore. even now as I write about her.
My mind has let go of her memories.

I'm okay.

My tears has run dry.
I don't cry every night.
I look at her pictures no more.

I'm okay.

I'm perfectly fine.
I'm alright.
I've never been better.

I'm okay.

I feel nothing.

So don't ask me if I'm okay.

Because I'm not.

and if being okay would mean moving on without her.
then I don't know anymore.

I need you...

darkness fell at 2:42 pm

The Funeral

Yesterday we had a long walk with auntie, a long last walk with her. The sad part was that she didn't get to walk with us. She had to lay down inside a white box laced with semi gold bar handles on its side in a limo. With a soft music haunting its every walls.
We left her house in Litlit (a small barangay in Silang, Cavite) and started the long treck to our parish Church in Silang Town Proper, Nuestra Senora De Candelaria. We walked for about an hour and a half until we reached the church for her final rites.
The priests last words were "Goodbye Gloria, we'll all see you again in Paradise"
How comforting, what a relief... to know that she's out there. All our dead loved ones waiting for us there in Paradise.
I'm not mocking, I wish it was true. That someday we'll all get together in a place where no one would no grief, a place unplagued by sorrow and spared by tears.
Please forgive me if I sound bitter.
All these things that I went through just went so fast that I can't keep up with it.
Like death.
No one can keep up with it.
Not even life itself.

++_ _+_ _++

Someday I will send these flowers to the sky...

One by one we gave her our final blessing and offered her flowers that will wither in no time.
Then we set foot again, to her final resting place. Our last goodbye. Our last glimpse of her mortal body.
I felt like I was gonna be sick.
I remembered Papa (her dad) and his funeral. It felt like it all just happened yesterday.
I wanted to bury my memories of her with auntie, my love and my sorrow.
Like the way she buried her love or what's left of it with Papa.
But I can't, and no matter how deep I dig, I'm just making a hole ad nothing more.
And where will I put these flowers if I can't send it to heaven?

++_ _+_ _++

Soft side

We still had some laughs yesterday though.
When all was drowning from their own tears and everyone had tomatoes for their noses.
The band played Mr. Suave. all of it, along with the "Hoy, hoy, hoy!"
I never realized till then how good the song was. It sounded real good with trombones, clarinets, sax and stuff.
We all had popped eyes and smiled.
I asked "Why the hell are they playing that song here?" Someone answered "They're just tryin' to comfort us"
Huh?!?
All Hail Parokya ni Edgar!

++_ _+_ _++

Chair

Another sad scene on our way to the cemetery was whe we passed E. Gonzales street in Silang.
Auntie's eldest brother lives along that street and we saw him sitting in a chair waiting for her sister to pass by his house.
He just had a major operation just 2 weeks ago, He could've been the one in a coffin if he hadn't survived. We even thought he wouldn't make it.
And so he bids his sister goodbye. I coudn't make a word of his face when we passed ny his house.
We all knew how much he wanted to go with us, but he still was too weak to walk.
I just thought to myself, whereever Auntie is, she would understand.

++_ _+_ _++

Death

The funny thing with death is that it comes so swiftly sometimes like a thief in the night.
It steals your soul from your body and with no hopes of ever catching the burglar.
Life goes on. It will, it has to.
I pictured myself suddenly, in a box with all these people walking me home to whereever my soul will rest.
I die and they move on. I'm just like a lost fragment of their life.

I died when she left, The real sad part is that I lost her and I know that she's just around but I can't have her.
When someone dies, there's no turning back, when someone leaves you it sometimes feel the same way but no amount of pain could ever compare to it.
Life moves on, yeah, what could be worst than living on without you...

darkness fell at 11:56 am

A love to share
Rivermaya

If I could take over,
this world that we're in
I wanna reach out
to every human being.
I'll take all the sorrows
from every goodbye
I'll shed all the tears
so no one ever needs to cry

But...
Nobody cares for me
nobody here needs me,
a love to share but,
nobody dares,
nobody cares for me...

I'll summon the oceans
to drown every pain
I wanna be shelter
to the countless in shame
erase every conflict
from every divide
I wanna give every
little thing 'til I die.

++_ _+_ _++

Everything
Lifehouse

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fold
You still my heart
When you take my breath away
Would you take me in take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everythiny.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything.. everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

darkness fell at 5:31 am

Rape me

Abuse me,
Overuse and confuse me.
and leave me out in the rain.

Rape me
again and again.

I won't falter,
I'm not gonna complain

Just stay...
stay, stay, stay...

and I can't be without you.
My heart stops without the sight of you...
My faint gasps of air unturned, unwanting...

and I just want to be raped again...

Rape me over and over again...

darkness fell at 11:47 pm

Gone

she's gone...

my baby's gone...

I waited for this for 3 months, I tried so hard to survive for her. But now she's gone... just like that.
This is what those sleepless nights I endured had in store for me. This is my fate.

I've been stabbed in the heart back then, now I went back for another blow.

and I love her still...

++_ _+_ _++

She was so cold at first, as if she didn't mind to see how hurt I was.
And then she brought down her walls and hugged me tight.
We kissed... I don't really know what that kiss was for but I can still feel her lips in mine.
I can still feel her arms around me and I never wanna let go.
Then she said:
"Kung meron man akong maipapangako sa'yo, pag nagkaboyfriend ako hindi ko tatawaging "baby" kse ikaw lang ang baby ko..."
[If there's one thing I can promise you, if I'll have another boyfriend I'll never call him "baby" because you're my only baby...]

I told her that if one day she wakes up and find herself looking for me, She can always call on me, and I'll be the one runnin' to her...

No one can ever take her place.

++_ _+_ _++

November's Curse

Then came another blow...

I always prayed for a sweet november but all I ever got from it was death... so much like its first days...

Auntie just died 2 days ago.

I call her auntie coz I got used to it but she's really my grandfather's younger sister.

She died at 64, multiple myeloma was the culprit. a.k.a bone cancer.

I went there last Monday at Asian Hospital and Medical Center in Alabang. My cousin and I were the ones who looked after her as she was undergoing her chemotherapy.

We never thought it would end that way, I even gave my word that I'll save one day for her next Chemo on December, but she gave in.

The grim reaper took her away and left us all dumbfounded.

She fought bravely for 16 hours at The ICU, Her Blood Presure was like a mad roller coaster that just keeps on droppin'...

We waited there at the ICU's lounge, hopeful that somehow she'll survive.

And I found myself at a death scene again...

Her husband whispered to her ear and said "Balikan mo ako ha..." ["Come back for me..."]

I saw tears ran down her cheeks and silently she was gone.. with all those tubes and stuffs still stuck in her mouth...

November took another life out of me...

++_ _+_ _++

Monday night wasn't that bad, Auntie's room at the 8th floor was cool. It offered a great view, of Metropolis and the highway... I often get caught in a blank stare at the flyover... Vivere Suites at the left side... Bellevue and the road. Memories of our last trip at Laguna. Me and her... the last days...

If only the TV can talk, it would curse us and say "Please give me a rest"
I wonder what cable operator offer that wide range of channels...

My cousin and I ate the night off, clearly there was no sign of "Auntie" bein laid to rest...

Sometimes death can really surprise you, the same way I still cannot believe she's gone.

I'm still waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me that I just had a bad dream.

None of this really happened.

I'll find myself to her embrace and she'll whisper in my ear. "I'm never ever goin' to leave you"

and "Auntie" would still be alive. I'll be back in Alabang on December...

but this is real.

darkness fell at 3:20 pm

D-day coming...

You can imagine how I'm feeling right now. I barely got 12 hours to burn and she's droppin the bomb. and boom!
Doom or salvation?
A friend rubbed me with the best sounding overused advice ever "Expect the worst, hope for the best'
Hope floats and drowns.
How is that goin' to make me feel better? of course it's like subtly saying be ready for just about anything. but crap! We're talkin' about the love of my life.
I've been telling myself that I should be ready for this. that no matter what happens I have to accept it, whether I like it or not.
The truth is, after all this time I'm still not ready to lose her. Perhaps I never will.

I've waited for this for so long and now suddenly it's scaring the life out of me.

Take cover.

**11*09**

Tomorrow

Tomorrow's her birthday.
Tomorrow never came until today.
Tomorrow, if you'd only bring me sorrow
then I don't wanna know...
Tomorrow...

**11*09**

Thank you

Thank you.

For the past 3 months you have and always been ny constant companion. I surely am gonna live through this. "Life moves on" they say, if you can call it a life.
Thank you for the time you spent reading my nonsense ramblings, my helpless cries, my hopeless hopes. my random musings, my clueless pleas.
I have given you nothing but dark skies and mood swings, truly this blog lives up to its name.

And so I thank you all, to those who made my life an everyday glimpse. To those who always tried to peek and see how I am doing in the rain.
To my bestfriend in the whole world, my brother. Thank you. Luck was tough on me but I got you. And no matter how cursed we are. I still consider myself lucky because you became my friend.
The best blogger friends I have, Lunacy, Voodoo Child. Thank you. Patience, truly is a virtue...

Pray for me and her.

**11*09**

I do not know what happens after this, but one thing is for sure. I'm glad I became part of this world, (I'm referring to the blog world) and I'm glad you found me vice versa... I cannot promise for updates after tomorrow. I might just go back to the hole I dug myself into, if worse comes to worst.

Please, pray for us...

God, please listen to me, I want her back, I need her back so I can have my life back...

**11*09**

Broken Vow
Lara Fabian

Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she looks
And where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to life than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

... this song has been a part of us, I do not wish to think that everything about us is close to an end. I pray that if I let you go back then you'd still find the way to come back to me... Please don't let the promise end...
I love you Baby...

Rain fell at 11:47 am

Kuwentong Barbero
(a barber's tale)

I had a real bad date with the hairdresser. Why is it that whenever I decide to cut my hair, it would always turn into a disaster event. If there's one thing that is consistent in my entire life, it's that I always go home feeling bad after a haircut.
Always.
The gay barber had his own story too, he keep on rambling about this guy who used to work at their place, (i suppose he's a barber too) who decided to resign because his wife who was based in Bicol kept on calling him to go home. My hairdresser, a.k.a Mister cut whatever you want kept on saying "akala kase nila mabubuhay sila sa emosyon" ["they thought they could just live (with that he meant survive) with emotions"].
Apparently the guy who resigned wants to go back here in Manila and back to his job again because he can't stand babysitting anymore. He went from being a barber to a house husband bum just to be with his wife.
Imagine me sitting there listenin' to all this tuff while the hairdresser murders ny hair.
He killed my dreams of surprising her with my Hua Ze Lei hairstyle.
The same way he stabbed my passion for emotions.
Is love enough for us love to survive? or there are far more important things than emotions?
Like money, security and all the material bullshit this sick world has to offer...
Has the world really gone mad and sour?

Maybe I should just be like the hairdresser. Cut hairs and earn and not feel...
not feel that my customer's hair has gone berserk...
Maybe I should stop feeling and stop loving because I always end up losing anyway.

But I'm way on top of all that.

I want to love and risk not being loved in return even if it means I'll get my hair murdered over and over again.

and this is not just one barber's tale...

**11*09**

2 more days

I don't know what will happen nor do I know how I'm gonna get in touch with her to set our rendezvous but one thing is for sure whatever happens that day. Things will change for sure.
If she comes back then I'll know what it's like to smile and be happy again.
If she doesn't I'll be sadder than ever.
The one thing that will never change is this.

...My love for her.

**11*09**

Happy Birthday Ikoy!

Rain fell at 12:31 am

Save Me
Remy Zero (Smallville theme)

I feel my wings have broken
in your hands
I feel the words unspoken
inside
when they pull you under
and I would give you any thing you want
you were all I wanted
all my dreams are fallin' down
crawlin round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
and they pull me under
and I would give you anything you want
you were all I wanted
all my dreams have fallen down
crawlin round and round and round

all my dreams are on the ground
crawlin' round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
just save me, save
come on
I'm still waiting for you...

.... only you can save me...

Rain fell at 1:27 am

27

"I'd rather have bad times with you
than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm
than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have bad times together
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart"

Today marks the 3rd day I didn't see her on the 5th day of the month.
Today I sit here and think about her over and over again.
Today has left a void inside my heart that only she can fill.

Today I realized how much I still love her after all this time...

Happy 27th Month my Baby!

I love you...

**11*09**

Running to Stand Still
U2

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still.
Said I gotta do something
About where we're goin'.

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night.
Singing ah, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

Sweet little sin, the bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.

She is ragin'
She is ragin'
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still.

I'm gonna cut down the chase... I'm gonna run after you...
to a stand still...

4 days to go...

Rain fell at 12:20 pm

Tabularasa

I've been staring at this blank slate for about half an hour now and I can't figure out what to write, it seems like I've drained all my emotions and they're just about to overflow... now I can't feel me.
All I ever care about is you! you are my constant plea. If there's a feeling greater than fear then that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm scared of losing you...
I'm talking like you're here and you can hear me but my pleas are useless...
I'm cold.

**11*09**

Blast from the Past

I missed you so much Ikoy! and Alou!
Thank God for high school friends, nothing could ever compare to them...
Nothing.
Last night was a blast, Jeff and I got home from my hs' friends apartment in Pasig at 5am. We just sat and talked over bottles of San Mig Lite and reminisced... laughed and I wanted so much to cry but that would spoil the night.
I really missed them! I hope it wouldn't take eons for us to see each other again.
Thank you for the warmth and that old feeling...
of belonging...
Lab you gals!

Rain fell at 12:00 pm

Drown

I'm drowning in my river of tears
and no one can save me
but you...
pull me out in time...
pull me out in time...

I wanna see your face before I die...

**11*09**

Bury

Woke up buried down low, this life is killing me.
Draining every bit of hope I have left.

I love you! I love you! that's all I want to say...
and I'm gonna win you back.
Yes I'm gonna take you back...

I need you here with me. Bring me back to life.

... breathe air to me...

**11*09**

6 more days...

*sighs*

Rain fell at 10:44 am

You will die after 7 days...

Someone asked me if I missed her, I just laughed. It would be an understatement to say that I miss her.
Because I don't, no I don't.
She never crosses my mind, never in this 3 months have I thought of her.
I've never longed for the sight of her face. Never.
Not once have I thought of calling her, Neither did I dream of hearing her voice.

I didn't and I never will.

Because there's no need for it. She never left my mind, her face is embedded in it.
Her voice still resounds in my head, resonating. like faint whispers.

She's there. as if she never left.

but yes I know I'm lying, because I miss her terribly!

**11*09**

Generation next

I got this from an email, added some stuff... to those who can relate, this one will surely paint a smile on your face... read on!

"Ito ang mga huling taon ng dekada '80 at ang mga unang taon ng dekada '90. Ito ang panahong uso pa ang makiuso. Kung ginagaya mo ang style ng mga artista, hindi ka tatawaging jologs. Ito ang panahong tapos na ang martial law, pero malayo pa ang new millennium. Hindi pa high-tech pero di naman old fashioned. Saktong-sakto lang!
Ito ang panahon natin. Pero pano mo malalaman kung kabilang ka sa henerasyong ito? Narito ang listahan na makapagpapatunay if you're one of us. R U?

1. Paborito mong panoorin ang Shaider, Bio-man, Maskman, Mask Rider Black, Machine Man at kung ano-anong TV sitcom ng Japan na isinalin sa Tagalog. Break muna sa mga laro kapag alas singko na ng hapon tuwing Sabado dahil panahon na para sa superhero marathon.

2. Alam mo ang jingle ng Nano-Nano. (isang kending lasang champoy)

3. Nanood ka ng Takeshi's Castle at naniwala kang si Anjo Yllana talaga si Takeshi at si Smokey Manaloto ang kanyang alalay. (Pinagiisipan mo - pano sila lumalaban sa final challenge na parang nakasakay sila sa isang bumpcar at nagbabarilan sila gamit ang water gun gayung sa Japan ginagawa yun eh taga Pilipinas sila?)

4. Alam mo ang pa-contest ng Kool 106 na uulit-ulitin mong bigkasin ang "Kool 106, Kool 106" hanggang maubusan ka ng hininga.
5. Naglaro ka ng Agawan base, Monkey-Monkey-Annabelle, patintero, Langit-Lupa-Impyerno, Syato, Luksong-Tinik, Luksong-Baka, 10-20 at kung ano-ano pang larong nakakapagod.

6. Pumunta ang mga taga- MILO sa skul niyo at namigay sila ng samples na nakalagay sa plastic cup; na kasing laki nung sa maliit na ice cream. (at nagtaka ka, bakit hindi ganito ang lasa ng MILO kapag tinitimpla ko sa bahay namin?)

7. May malaking away ang mga METAL (mga punks na naka itim) at mga HIPHOP (mga taong naka maluwang na puruntong na kahit makita na ang dalawang bundok.) Nag-aabangan sa mall na may dalang baseball bat at kung anu-ano pang mga sandata. Sikat ang kasabihang "PUNKS NOT DEAD!" pero kung gusto mong mag play safe, pwede mong tawagin ang sarili mong HIPTAL.

8. Alam mo ang universal uwian song na "Uwian na!" na kinakanta sa tono na parang doon sa kinakasal.

9. Nagpauto ka sa Batibot pero hindi sa ATBP.

10. Nakipag-away ka para makapaglaro ng brick game.
(hi-tech na yun noon)

11. Ang "teks" noon ay mga 1"x1.5" na karton na may mga drawing ng pelikulang pinoy. (at may dialog pa!)
12. Dalawa lang ang todong sumikat na wrestler, si Hulk Hogan at si Ultimate Warrior. Naniwala ka rin na namatay si Ultimate Warrior nang buhatin niya si Andre d' Giant dahil pumutok ang mga ugat niya sa muscle. Natakot ka kay Undertaker at sa alalay nitong mukang matabang bangkay na bading.

13. Nagsayaw ka ng running man at kung anu-anong dance steps na nakapagpamukha sa'yong tanga sa saliw ng kantang Ice Ice Baby, Wiggle It, Pray, Extasi-Extano at Can't Touch This.

14. Hindi ka gaanong mahilig sa That's Entertainment at pinapanood mo lang ito tuwing Sabado kung saan nagpapagandahan ng production numbers ang Monday hanggang Friday group. (at badtrip ka sa Wednesday group dahil pinakabaduy lagi ang performance nila!)

15. Napaligaya ka ng maraming pinoy bands tulad ng Yano, Rivermaya, Color it Red, Tropical Depression, The Teeth, The Youth, After Image, Orient Pearl, The Dawn, Alamid, Wolfgang, at ang sikat na sikat na Eraserheads. (at aminin mong nakinig ka rin ng Siakol!)

16. Kilala mo ang Smokey Mountain, (first and second generation)

17. Hindi pa uso noon ang sapatos na may gulong. Noon, astig ka kapag umiilaw ang swelas ng sapatos mo tuwing ia-apak mo ito. Tinawag rin itong "Mighty Kid"

18. Kung lalaki ka, sikat na sikat sa'yo ang mga larong text, jolens, dampa (mga ninuno ng pustahan), saranggola at ang dakilang manika niyo ay si GI-JOE with his alipores.

19. Kung babae ka naman, ang mga laro mo with you're girlfriends ay luto-lutuan, bahay-bahayan, doktor-doktoran, at kung anu-ano pang pagkukunwari. Ang dakilang manika mo ay si Barbie. (Sikat ka kung meron kang bahay, kotse at kabaong ni Barbie.)

20. Naniwala kang original ang isang cap kapag may walong tahi sa visor nito.

21. Swerte ka kapag panghapon ka dahil masusubaybayan mo ang mga kapanapanabik na kaganapan sa mga paborito mong cartoon shows tuwing umaga tulad ng Cedie, Sarah, at Dog of Flanders a.k.a. Nelo. (Hindi ka ba nagtataka na sa lahat ng mga bida sa cartoons na ito, si Nelo lang ang di yumaman at namatay pa ng maaga?)

22. Alam mo ang ibig sabihin ng "TIME FIRST!"

23. Nauso ang mga damit na may hood na sinusuot mo kahit wala namang silbi ang hood dahil hindi mo din naman nilalalagay sa ulo mo kahit maaraw o maulan

24. Sinabi mo sa kalaro mo na ikaw si Red 1 at siya si Green 2.

25. Hinahati mo sa gitna ang buhok mo at tatawagin kang trasher ng mga kaklase o di kaya nama'y kempee habang nagpapahabaan kayo ng bangs na karaniwan ay hanggang ilong.

26. Napaniwala kang uso ang mag-shades kahit gabi na dahil hindi hinuhubad ni Randy Santiago ang shades niya kahit madilim na.

27. "In" ka pag meron kang yoyo na umiilaw o di kaya naman ay may tatak ng coke, sprite, o royal.

Bakit kaya ganon? Kahit 'sang lupalop ka ng Pilipinas naroon, eh nakaka-relate ka sa mga pinagsasasabi ko. Siguro'y dahil wala pang cable at kakaunti lang ang pagpipiliang channels kaya parepareho tayo ng pinapanood. Maaaring wala pang playstation kaya kung anu-ano na lang ang naiimbentong laro na pwedeng gawin sa kalsada o sa isang bakanteng lote. Pero kung ano man ang dahilan sa pagkaparepareho natin ng karanasan, masaya na rin akong naging bata ako sa panahong ito. Masarap alalahanin at balik-balikan. Di ba?"


**11*09**

This week is definitely goin' to be the hardest 7 days of my life...
Bear with me...

Rain fell at 4:05 pm

This song came from one of her favorite movie... Sweet November... I wish November has something sweet to offer me... like having her back...
Who knows what? only time...

Only Time
Enya

Who can say
Where the road goes
Where the day flows
Only time

And who can say
If your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time

Who can say
Why your heart sighs
As your love flies
Only time

And who can say
Why your heart cries
When your love lies
Only time

Who can say
When the roads meet
That love might be
In your heart

And who can say
When the day sleeps
If the night keeps
All your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
If your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time

And who can say
Where the road goes
Where the day flows
Only time

Who knows
Only time
Who knows
Only time

**11*09**

Thanks to voodoo child for last night... sensya na ngarag si Henry e!
I bet purplechaste's a bit freaked out... thanks for bein so nice...
... and lunacy you're one cool chick! Hope you'll stay that way... Pray for me guys... me and her!
One hell of a house party!

Rain fell at 3:47 pm