Blue

This would've been my post 2 days ago if it weren't for the unexpected turn of events.
We were hangin' out at Jeff's rooftop and I stood there staring at the glitter of the christmas lights below...
And I got caught in a frenzy of mixed emotions...
Christmas is in the air again... a time for merrymaking and reflections... a time for love and giving... everything it embodies are the things I lack...

>>>
If I were a christmas light, my color would be blue.
It utters my sheer loneliness. It embraces the emptiness within.
It doesn't hurt the eye, but it's own eyes are drenched with tears.
Your stare can calm you, the flickering lights beckons you;
to return to your sorrows and devour the pain it feeds.
This blue and jaded being
will soon die of sadness.
Until she comes to turn off the lights,
Until she decides to light her own fire...
I await in blue....

darkness fell at 7:19 pm

I won't cry...

You may think I'm totally insane for posting this and I guess I am, coz I've been listening to this all morning. I stumbled upon this last night on a songhits mag after we finished our choir practice and I played and sang it while my friends laughed their hearts out. But I like this song... the melody, and voice harmony. Not to mention the crashing lyrics. But anyway this is my site so I don't have to apologize, and I'd be more than happy to hear that you immediately searched and downloaded this song in kazaa... *lol*

Hindi ako iiyak
The Flippers

Kapeng aking tinitimpla
Lagi ngayong lumalamig
Di ko malaman
Kung kulang sa tamis
Tasang walang kibo
Sa'ki'y nakatitig
Ako't siya'y naghihintay
masagi ng iyong bibig

Buhok na mahaba
Iniingat-ingatan mo
Noong isang linggo'y
pinaputulan mo ito
Marahil ay pagod lamang
Ang aking isipan
At di ko napansin
At hindi tinutulan

Huwag kang mag-alala
Di ako iiyak
Di magdaramdam
kahit na gapatak
Pag-ibig na minsan
Na aking dinanas
Sa tulad kong putik
Tama na at sapat

Pinong dati-rati'y bukas
Sa aking pagdating
Ngayo'y nakasara
At panangga sa hangin
Sanggol na nasanay
Nasanay sa ama
Ngayo'y natutulog
Kahit nag-iisa

... so there, I'm not crying anymore...
hanky anyone?

darkness fell at 10:57 am

Tremble

Things went well, I guess.
I saw her again, for the first time since doomsday I saw the girl I love; the same girl who broke my heart.
And I saw Averill again (her nephew), God I miss that kid!
I wanted so much to kiss her, I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her forever.
But I couldn't. How I died that instant.
Then I sat next to her at their dining table and how the old memories of me and her sitting next to each other drowned me, consumed my entire being.
How I ache for her.. I just kept on staring at Averill so I could keep my tears from falling.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
"... You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything."

I wanted so much to ask her to come back but I held it on to my thoughts.
Maybe because I was afraid she'd say no again.

++_ _+_ _++

Another heartbreaker

Averill didn't want to go home unless I go with him and play "China, china at his place" (Her kuya's house is just a few houses apart from their house).

Me: I'll go home na Averill
Averill: No, don't go
Me: I have to go home, magagalit na din Mommy ko, hinahanap na ako kse gabi na.
Averill: Mamimiss kita e.
Me: Babalik naman ako e.

Then I stood up from their couch and headed out, he held my hand and said " Balik ka tomorrow ha!"

I wish I could.

Believe it or not I love Averill, and I feel guilty because I kept thinking "Sana sya din ganyan sakin"
Sana katulad ni Averill, mahal nya pa din ako...

++_ _+_ _++

Lemon

Summer told me over YM "para kang sugat na pinipigaan ng dayap" [you're like a wound being squeezed with lemon].
Yes I knew it would hurt seein her again, but I didn't mind.
I'd take all the pain in the world if I could just have her back...

The hardest part was leaving...
I kissed her on her lips, hugged her and all I could ever say was... "Miss na kita"
I looked at her and waived my hand...
and went home with my eyes blurred with tears...
and I know, I'm pretty sure, I'll be comin' back for more...

God, please. I just want her back...

darkness fell at 1:33 am

Dungaw

Eto ako,
sa harap ng
kuwadradong aparatong
magdadalawang-oras ko
ng kalampungan;
Habang ikaw,
ay panay ang dungaw
sa maliit na bintanang
gawa ng labis na pighati.
Sansaglit kang nariyan
at dagling nawawala.
Saliw ng tugtog na
walang hatid kundi
ang alaala ng mga
yakap mo't halik.
Nanunukso;
Nangungutya...
Na para bang sabi
"O sana kung ang
larawan mo'y may
buhay
lagi ka sanang
narito't
di na muling lilisan;
at di na muling dudungaw
lang..."

* This is one of the rare occasions that I make poems in Filipino... when I'm in the real overly senti mode...and you know what? our deepest feelings are best expressed through our mother tongue I made it this morning while I was frozen in a blank stare and decided to post it na lang... bear with me..

++_ _+_ _++

I'll be seein her today... She called me up yesterday and she invited me to come by her house to celebrate Mama's birthday... You might think I'm stupid but that's how it is... I wanna see her... Wish me luck

darkness fell at 12:28 pm

Faint

Last night when I logged in to YM I got this Yahoo Mail alert that I have 3 new emails... I immediately checked it and I nearly passed out when I saw that all 3 emails came from her... (yes that's how weak I can get when it's about her)... Have you ever felt that feeling of chill coming up from your spines to your nape? that's exactly how I felt. I know I shouldn't be that surprised because I have been sending her the song lyrics I've been posting here and she just sent her replies... but these were all mind bogglers for me... maybe too much... I don't know... read on...


Can we still be friends?
Todd Rundgren

We cant play this game anymore
But can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before
But can we still be friends?

We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know, it's all gone

Let's admit we made a mistake
But can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take
But can we still be friends?

It's a strange sad affair
Sometimes seems that we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

Dannana Can we still be friends

Can we still get together sometimes?
Hey babe, can we still go on?
We awoke from our dream,
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet, sad, old song

Dannana, can we still be friends

Miss you,
baby

*the 2nd one, subject: you will always be a part of me

Always Be My Baby

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you wanna be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

[Chorus:]
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably
You'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

[Chorus]

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time
[Chorus]

Some lyrics may not seem to apply kasi mukhang dapat ikaw ang magsabi...
baby

* The 3rd email... subject: maybe we lack some of these...

10 Secrets to Fulfilling Relationships

The first secret? the power of THOUGHT.
Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about ourselves and others. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires.



The second secret? the power of GIVING.
If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself, freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship, ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.



The third secret? the power of RESPECT.
You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect ask yourself, "What do I respect about myself?" To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself "What do I respect about them?"



The fourth secret? the power of FRIENDSHIP.
To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which l

ove's seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.



The fifth secret? the power of LETTING GO.
If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was. Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. "Today I let go of all my fears, the past has no power over me - today is the beginning of a new life."



The sixth secret? the power of COMMUNICATION.
When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: "I Love You." Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them! If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and ... why are you waiting?



The seventh secret? the power of COMMITMENT.
If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.



The eighth secret? the power of PASSION.
Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone, it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.



The ninth secret? the power of TOUCH.
Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.



The tenth secret? the power of TRUST.
Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it, one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels trapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself, "Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?" If the answer is "no", think carefully before making a commitment.

*I don't know what else to think... but then again no... I know I want her back...

darkness fell at 10:56 am

Coke

Kiss me... I wanna feel you on my lips.
Feed the drought within me.
Satisfy the lust within.
Like the deranged vagabond that thirsts for you.
I succumb;
To your power that melts away the heat.
Pushes the yeasts I despise.
I no longer hunger for food.
I crave for you.
You're like cocaine.
yeah, that's what you are.
I'm addicted to you.
You're caffeine and soda and I can't refuse you.
Your the hand that takes the spoon to my mouth.
Because I know that you'll be there.
You can't stay in that bottle...
You know you won't.
You know I'll be there for the taking.
Come to me...

darkness fell at 12:29 pm

She sleeps

She's here.
I'm finally goin to be happy...
;at long last...
She'll be the one who'll wipe all my tears away. She'll be the one to catch me fall.
She'll take all my fears and turn them into joy. She'll breathe life into me again.
She'll stand by me and kiss my sorrows goodbye.
She'll take all my doubts... she'll fly with me to heaven.
I'll be one with her.

And with each passing night I'll never ever feel alone again.
And if pain comes knockin at my door once more, Boldly and bravely we'll face it together.

She's there, she's just around...

...I just don't know her name.

darkness fell at 1:21 pm

THE ART OF LETTING GO

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

will I ever?...

darkness fell at 11:18 am

I would've...

There are still so many things I wanna do with you, lots of things wanna give you...
There are still so many places I wanna go with you, but now I can't.

I wanna take you to Galera... I wanna chill with you in Baguio.
I wanna take you to places you've never been...

I still want to hold and take care of you...

I still wanna give you a ring.

and I still want to grow old with you.

I love you!... still...

darkness fell at 11:57 pm

I'm okay

A lot of people ask me if I'm okay and I'm getting a little sick of it.
Of course I'm okay, Why the hell would you think otherwise?

I'm okay.

I'm not hurting.
What happened to me just went off with a shrug.
Shit happens. I should know better than that.

I'm okay.

I don't miss her a bit.
I don't think of her anymore. even now as I write about her.
My mind has let go of her memories.

I'm okay.

My tears has run dry.
I don't cry every night.
I look at her pictures no more.

I'm okay.

I'm perfectly fine.
I'm alright.
I've never been better.

I'm okay.

I feel nothing.

So don't ask me if I'm okay.

Because I'm not.

and if being okay would mean moving on without her.
then I don't know anymore.

I need you...

darkness fell at 2:42 pm

The Funeral

Yesterday we had a long walk with auntie, a long last walk with her. The sad part was that she didn't get to walk with us. She had to lay down inside a white box laced with semi gold bar handles on its side in a limo. With a soft music haunting its every walls.
We left her house in Litlit (a small barangay in Silang, Cavite) and started the long treck to our parish Church in Silang Town Proper, Nuestra Senora De Candelaria. We walked for about an hour and a half until we reached the church for her final rites.
The priests last words were "Goodbye Gloria, we'll all see you again in Paradise"
How comforting, what a relief... to know that she's out there. All our dead loved ones waiting for us there in Paradise.
I'm not mocking, I wish it was true. That someday we'll all get together in a place where no one would no grief, a place unplagued by sorrow and spared by tears.
Please forgive me if I sound bitter.
All these things that I went through just went so fast that I can't keep up with it.
Like death.
No one can keep up with it.
Not even life itself.

++_ _+_ _++

Someday I will send these flowers to the sky...

One by one we gave her our final blessing and offered her flowers that will wither in no time.
Then we set foot again, to her final resting place. Our last goodbye. Our last glimpse of her mortal body.
I felt like I was gonna be sick.
I remembered Papa (her dad) and his funeral. It felt like it all just happened yesterday.
I wanted to bury my memories of her with auntie, my love and my sorrow.
Like the way she buried her love or what's left of it with Papa.
But I can't, and no matter how deep I dig, I'm just making a hole ad nothing more.
And where will I put these flowers if I can't send it to heaven?

++_ _+_ _++

Soft side

We still had some laughs yesterday though.
When all was drowning from their own tears and everyone had tomatoes for their noses.
The band played Mr. Suave. all of it, along with the "Hoy, hoy, hoy!"
I never realized till then how good the song was. It sounded real good with trombones, clarinets, sax and stuff.
We all had popped eyes and smiled.
I asked "Why the hell are they playing that song here?" Someone answered "They're just tryin' to comfort us"
Huh?!?
All Hail Parokya ni Edgar!

++_ _+_ _++

Chair

Another sad scene on our way to the cemetery was whe we passed E. Gonzales street in Silang.
Auntie's eldest brother lives along that street and we saw him sitting in a chair waiting for her sister to pass by his house.
He just had a major operation just 2 weeks ago, He could've been the one in a coffin if he hadn't survived. We even thought he wouldn't make it.
And so he bids his sister goodbye. I coudn't make a word of his face when we passed ny his house.
We all knew how much he wanted to go with us, but he still was too weak to walk.
I just thought to myself, whereever Auntie is, she would understand.

++_ _+_ _++

Death

The funny thing with death is that it comes so swiftly sometimes like a thief in the night.
It steals your soul from your body and with no hopes of ever catching the burglar.
Life goes on. It will, it has to.
I pictured myself suddenly, in a box with all these people walking me home to whereever my soul will rest.
I die and they move on. I'm just like a lost fragment of their life.

I died when she left, The real sad part is that I lost her and I know that she's just around but I can't have her.
When someone dies, there's no turning back, when someone leaves you it sometimes feel the same way but no amount of pain could ever compare to it.
Life moves on, yeah, what could be worst than living on without you...

darkness fell at 11:56 am

A love to share
Rivermaya

If I could take over,
this world that we're in
I wanna reach out
to every human being.
I'll take all the sorrows
from every goodbye
I'll shed all the tears
so no one ever needs to cry

But...
Nobody cares for me
nobody here needs me,
a love to share but,
nobody dares,
nobody cares for me...

I'll summon the oceans
to drown every pain
I wanna be shelter
to the countless in shame
erase every conflict
from every divide
I wanna give every
little thing 'til I die.

++_ _+_ _++

Everything
Lifehouse

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fold
You still my heart
When you take my breath away
Would you take me in take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everythiny.. everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything.. everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

darkness fell at 5:31 am

Rape me

Abuse me,
Overuse and confuse me.
and leave me out in the rain.

Rape me
again and again.

I won't falter,
I'm not gonna complain

Just stay...
stay, stay, stay...

and I can't be without you.
My heart stops without the sight of you...
My faint gasps of air unturned, unwanting...

and I just want to be raped again...

Rape me over and over again...

darkness fell at 11:47 pm

Gone

she's gone...

my baby's gone...

I waited for this for 3 months, I tried so hard to survive for her. But now she's gone... just like that.
This is what those sleepless nights I endured had in store for me. This is my fate.

I've been stabbed in the heart back then, now I went back for another blow.

and I love her still...

++_ _+_ _++

She was so cold at first, as if she didn't mind to see how hurt I was.
And then she brought down her walls and hugged me tight.
We kissed... I don't really know what that kiss was for but I can still feel her lips in mine.
I can still feel her arms around me and I never wanna let go.
Then she said:
"Kung meron man akong maipapangako sa'yo, pag nagkaboyfriend ako hindi ko tatawaging "baby" kse ikaw lang ang baby ko..."
[If there's one thing I can promise you, if I'll have another boyfriend I'll never call him "baby" because you're my only baby...]

I told her that if one day she wakes up and find herself looking for me, She can always call on me, and I'll be the one runnin' to her...

No one can ever take her place.

++_ _+_ _++

November's Curse

Then came another blow...

I always prayed for a sweet november but all I ever got from it was death... so much like its first days...

Auntie just died 2 days ago.

I call her auntie coz I got used to it but she's really my grandfather's younger sister.

She died at 64, multiple myeloma was the culprit. a.k.a bone cancer.

I went there last Monday at Asian Hospital and Medical Center in Alabang. My cousin and I were the ones who looked after her as she was undergoing her chemotherapy.

We never thought it would end that way, I even gave my word that I'll save one day for her next Chemo on December, but she gave in.

The grim reaper took her away and left us all dumbfounded.

She fought bravely for 16 hours at The ICU, Her Blood Presure was like a mad roller coaster that just keeps on droppin'...

We waited there at the ICU's lounge, hopeful that somehow she'll survive.

And I found myself at a death scene again...

Her husband whispered to her ear and said "Balikan mo ako ha..." ["Come back for me..."]

I saw tears ran down her cheeks and silently she was gone.. with all those tubes and stuffs still stuck in her mouth...

November took another life out of me...

++_ _+_ _++

Monday night wasn't that bad, Auntie's room at the 8th floor was cool. It offered a great view, of Metropolis and the highway... I often get caught in a blank stare at the flyover... Vivere Suites at the left side... Bellevue and the road. Memories of our last trip at Laguna. Me and her... the last days...

If only the TV can talk, it would curse us and say "Please give me a rest"
I wonder what cable operator offer that wide range of channels...

My cousin and I ate the night off, clearly there was no sign of "Auntie" bein laid to rest...

Sometimes death can really surprise you, the same way I still cannot believe she's gone.

I'm still waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me that I just had a bad dream.

None of this really happened.

I'll find myself to her embrace and she'll whisper in my ear. "I'm never ever goin' to leave you"

and "Auntie" would still be alive. I'll be back in Alabang on December...

but this is real.

darkness fell at 3:20 pm

D-day coming...

You can imagine how I'm feeling right now. I barely got 12 hours to burn and she's droppin the bomb. and boom!
Doom or salvation?
A friend rubbed me with the best sounding overused advice ever "Expect the worst, hope for the best'
Hope floats and drowns.
How is that goin' to make me feel better? of course it's like subtly saying be ready for just about anything. but crap! We're talkin' about the love of my life.
I've been telling myself that I should be ready for this. that no matter what happens I have to accept it, whether I like it or not.
The truth is, after all this time I'm still not ready to lose her. Perhaps I never will.

I've waited for this for so long and now suddenly it's scaring the life out of me.

Take cover.

**11*09**

Tomorrow

Tomorrow's her birthday.
Tomorrow never came until today.
Tomorrow, if you'd only bring me sorrow
then I don't wanna know...
Tomorrow...

**11*09**

Thank you

Thank you.

For the past 3 months you have and always been ny constant companion. I surely am gonna live through this. "Life moves on" they say, if you can call it a life.
Thank you for the time you spent reading my nonsense ramblings, my helpless cries, my hopeless hopes. my random musings, my clueless pleas.
I have given you nothing but dark skies and mood swings, truly this blog lives up to its name.

And so I thank you all, to those who made my life an everyday glimpse. To those who always tried to peek and see how I am doing in the rain.
To my bestfriend in the whole world, my brother. Thank you. Luck was tough on me but I got you. And no matter how cursed we are. I still consider myself lucky because you became my friend.
The best blogger friends I have, Lunacy, Voodoo Child. Thank you. Patience, truly is a virtue...

Pray for me and her.

**11*09**

I do not know what happens after this, but one thing is for sure. I'm glad I became part of this world, (I'm referring to the blog world) and I'm glad you found me vice versa... I cannot promise for updates after tomorrow. I might just go back to the hole I dug myself into, if worse comes to worst.

Please, pray for us...

God, please listen to me, I want her back, I need her back so I can have my life back...

**11*09**

Broken Vow
Lara Fabian

Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she looks
And where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to life than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

... this song has been a part of us, I do not wish to think that everything about us is close to an end. I pray that if I let you go back then you'd still find the way to come back to me... Please don't let the promise end...
I love you Baby...

Rain fell at 11:47 am

Kuwentong Barbero
(a barber's tale)

I had a real bad date with the hairdresser. Why is it that whenever I decide to cut my hair, it would always turn into a disaster event. If there's one thing that is consistent in my entire life, it's that I always go home feeling bad after a haircut.
Always.
The gay barber had his own story too, he keep on rambling about this guy who used to work at their place, (i suppose he's a barber too) who decided to resign because his wife who was based in Bicol kept on calling him to go home. My hairdresser, a.k.a Mister cut whatever you want kept on saying "akala kase nila mabubuhay sila sa emosyon" ["they thought they could just live (with that he meant survive) with emotions"].
Apparently the guy who resigned wants to go back here in Manila and back to his job again because he can't stand babysitting anymore. He went from being a barber to a house husband bum just to be with his wife.
Imagine me sitting there listenin' to all this tuff while the hairdresser murders ny hair.
He killed my dreams of surprising her with my Hua Ze Lei hairstyle.
The same way he stabbed my passion for emotions.
Is love enough for us love to survive? or there are far more important things than emotions?
Like money, security and all the material bullshit this sick world has to offer...
Has the world really gone mad and sour?

Maybe I should just be like the hairdresser. Cut hairs and earn and not feel...
not feel that my customer's hair has gone berserk...
Maybe I should stop feeling and stop loving because I always end up losing anyway.

But I'm way on top of all that.

I want to love and risk not being loved in return even if it means I'll get my hair murdered over and over again.

and this is not just one barber's tale...

**11*09**

2 more days

I don't know what will happen nor do I know how I'm gonna get in touch with her to set our rendezvous but one thing is for sure whatever happens that day. Things will change for sure.
If she comes back then I'll know what it's like to smile and be happy again.
If she doesn't I'll be sadder than ever.
The one thing that will never change is this.

...My love for her.

**11*09**

Happy Birthday Ikoy!

Rain fell at 12:31 am

Save Me
Remy Zero (Smallville theme)

I feel my wings have broken
in your hands
I feel the words unspoken
inside
when they pull you under
and I would give you any thing you want
you were all I wanted
all my dreams are fallin' down
crawlin round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
and they pull me under
and I would give you anything you want
you were all I wanted
all my dreams have fallen down
crawlin round and round and round

all my dreams are on the ground
crawlin' round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
just save me, save
come on
I'm still waiting for you...

.... only you can save me...

Rain fell at 1:27 am

27

"I'd rather have bad times with you
than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm
than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have bad times together
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart"

Today marks the 3rd day I didn't see her on the 5th day of the month.
Today I sit here and think about her over and over again.
Today has left a void inside my heart that only she can fill.

Today I realized how much I still love her after all this time...

Happy 27th Month my Baby!

I love you...

**11*09**

Running to Stand Still
U2

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still.
Said I gotta do something
About where we're goin'.

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night.
Singing ah, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

Sweet little sin, the bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.

She is ragin'
She is ragin'
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still.

I'm gonna cut down the chase... I'm gonna run after you...
to a stand still...

4 days to go...

Rain fell at 12:20 pm

Tabularasa

I've been staring at this blank slate for about half an hour now and I can't figure out what to write, it seems like I've drained all my emotions and they're just about to overflow... now I can't feel me.
All I ever care about is you! you are my constant plea. If there's a feeling greater than fear then that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm scared of losing you...
I'm talking like you're here and you can hear me but my pleas are useless...
I'm cold.

**11*09**

Blast from the Past

I missed you so much Ikoy! and Alou!
Thank God for high school friends, nothing could ever compare to them...
Nothing.
Last night was a blast, Jeff and I got home from my hs' friends apartment in Pasig at 5am. We just sat and talked over bottles of San Mig Lite and reminisced... laughed and I wanted so much to cry but that would spoil the night.
I really missed them! I hope it wouldn't take eons for us to see each other again.
Thank you for the warmth and that old feeling...
of belonging...
Lab you gals!

Rain fell at 12:00 pm

Drown

I'm drowning in my river of tears
and no one can save me
but you...
pull me out in time...
pull me out in time...

I wanna see your face before I die...

**11*09**

Bury

Woke up buried down low, this life is killing me.
Draining every bit of hope I have left.

I love you! I love you! that's all I want to say...
and I'm gonna win you back.
Yes I'm gonna take you back...

I need you here with me. Bring me back to life.

... breathe air to me...

**11*09**

6 more days...

*sighs*

Rain fell at 10:44 am

You will die after 7 days...

Someone asked me if I missed her, I just laughed. It would be an understatement to say that I miss her.
Because I don't, no I don't.
She never crosses my mind, never in this 3 months have I thought of her.
I've never longed for the sight of her face. Never.
Not once have I thought of calling her, Neither did I dream of hearing her voice.

I didn't and I never will.

Because there's no need for it. She never left my mind, her face is embedded in it.
Her voice still resounds in my head, resonating. like faint whispers.

She's there. as if she never left.

but yes I know I'm lying, because I miss her terribly!

**11*09**

Generation next

I got this from an email, added some stuff... to those who can relate, this one will surely paint a smile on your face... read on!

"Ito ang mga huling taon ng dekada '80 at ang mga unang taon ng dekada '90. Ito ang panahong uso pa ang makiuso. Kung ginagaya mo ang style ng mga artista, hindi ka tatawaging jologs. Ito ang panahong tapos na ang martial law, pero malayo pa ang new millennium. Hindi pa high-tech pero di naman old fashioned. Saktong-sakto lang!
Ito ang panahon natin. Pero pano mo malalaman kung kabilang ka sa henerasyong ito? Narito ang listahan na makapagpapatunay if you're one of us. R U?

1. Paborito mong panoorin ang Shaider, Bio-man, Maskman, Mask Rider Black, Machine Man at kung ano-anong TV sitcom ng Japan na isinalin sa Tagalog. Break muna sa mga laro kapag alas singko na ng hapon tuwing Sabado dahil panahon na para sa superhero marathon.

2. Alam mo ang jingle ng Nano-Nano. (isang kending lasang champoy)

3. Nanood ka ng Takeshi's Castle at naniwala kang si Anjo Yllana talaga si Takeshi at si Smokey Manaloto ang kanyang alalay. (Pinagiisipan mo - pano sila lumalaban sa final challenge na parang nakasakay sila sa isang bumpcar at nagbabarilan sila gamit ang water gun gayung sa Japan ginagawa yun eh taga Pilipinas sila?)

4. Alam mo ang pa-contest ng Kool 106 na uulit-ulitin mong bigkasin ang "Kool 106, Kool 106" hanggang maubusan ka ng hininga.
5. Naglaro ka ng Agawan base, Monkey-Monkey-Annabelle, patintero, Langit-Lupa-Impyerno, Syato, Luksong-Tinik, Luksong-Baka, 10-20 at kung ano-ano pang larong nakakapagod.

6. Pumunta ang mga taga- MILO sa skul niyo at namigay sila ng samples na nakalagay sa plastic cup; na kasing laki nung sa maliit na ice cream. (at nagtaka ka, bakit hindi ganito ang lasa ng MILO kapag tinitimpla ko sa bahay namin?)

7. May malaking away ang mga METAL (mga punks na naka itim) at mga HIPHOP (mga taong naka maluwang na puruntong na kahit makita na ang dalawang bundok.) Nag-aabangan sa mall na may dalang baseball bat at kung anu-ano pang mga sandata. Sikat ang kasabihang "PUNKS NOT DEAD!" pero kung gusto mong mag play safe, pwede mong tawagin ang sarili mong HIPTAL.

8. Alam mo ang universal uwian song na "Uwian na!" na kinakanta sa tono na parang doon sa kinakasal.

9. Nagpauto ka sa Batibot pero hindi sa ATBP.

10. Nakipag-away ka para makapaglaro ng brick game.
(hi-tech na yun noon)

11. Ang "teks" noon ay mga 1"x1.5" na karton na may mga drawing ng pelikulang pinoy. (at may dialog pa!)
12. Dalawa lang ang todong sumikat na wrestler, si Hulk Hogan at si Ultimate Warrior. Naniwala ka rin na namatay si Ultimate Warrior nang buhatin niya si Andre d' Giant dahil pumutok ang mga ugat niya sa muscle. Natakot ka kay Undertaker at sa alalay nitong mukang matabang bangkay na bading.

13. Nagsayaw ka ng running man at kung anu-anong dance steps na nakapagpamukha sa'yong tanga sa saliw ng kantang Ice Ice Baby, Wiggle It, Pray, Extasi-Extano at Can't Touch This.

14. Hindi ka gaanong mahilig sa That's Entertainment at pinapanood mo lang ito tuwing Sabado kung saan nagpapagandahan ng production numbers ang Monday hanggang Friday group. (at badtrip ka sa Wednesday group dahil pinakabaduy lagi ang performance nila!)

15. Napaligaya ka ng maraming pinoy bands tulad ng Yano, Rivermaya, Color it Red, Tropical Depression, The Teeth, The Youth, After Image, Orient Pearl, The Dawn, Alamid, Wolfgang, at ang sikat na sikat na Eraserheads. (at aminin mong nakinig ka rin ng Siakol!)

16. Kilala mo ang Smokey Mountain, (first and second generation)

17. Hindi pa uso noon ang sapatos na may gulong. Noon, astig ka kapag umiilaw ang swelas ng sapatos mo tuwing ia-apak mo ito. Tinawag rin itong "Mighty Kid"

18. Kung lalaki ka, sikat na sikat sa'yo ang mga larong text, jolens, dampa (mga ninuno ng pustahan), saranggola at ang dakilang manika niyo ay si GI-JOE with his alipores.

19. Kung babae ka naman, ang mga laro mo with you're girlfriends ay luto-lutuan, bahay-bahayan, doktor-doktoran, at kung anu-ano pang pagkukunwari. Ang dakilang manika mo ay si Barbie. (Sikat ka kung meron kang bahay, kotse at kabaong ni Barbie.)

20. Naniwala kang original ang isang cap kapag may walong tahi sa visor nito.

21. Swerte ka kapag panghapon ka dahil masusubaybayan mo ang mga kapanapanabik na kaganapan sa mga paborito mong cartoon shows tuwing umaga tulad ng Cedie, Sarah, at Dog of Flanders a.k.a. Nelo. (Hindi ka ba nagtataka na sa lahat ng mga bida sa cartoons na ito, si Nelo lang ang di yumaman at namatay pa ng maaga?)

22. Alam mo ang ibig sabihin ng "TIME FIRST!"

23. Nauso ang mga damit na may hood na sinusuot mo kahit wala namang silbi ang hood dahil hindi mo din naman nilalalagay sa ulo mo kahit maaraw o maulan

24. Sinabi mo sa kalaro mo na ikaw si Red 1 at siya si Green 2.

25. Hinahati mo sa gitna ang buhok mo at tatawagin kang trasher ng mga kaklase o di kaya nama'y kempee habang nagpapahabaan kayo ng bangs na karaniwan ay hanggang ilong.

26. Napaniwala kang uso ang mag-shades kahit gabi na dahil hindi hinuhubad ni Randy Santiago ang shades niya kahit madilim na.

27. "In" ka pag meron kang yoyo na umiilaw o di kaya naman ay may tatak ng coke, sprite, o royal.

Bakit kaya ganon? Kahit 'sang lupalop ka ng Pilipinas naroon, eh nakaka-relate ka sa mga pinagsasasabi ko. Siguro'y dahil wala pang cable at kakaunti lang ang pagpipiliang channels kaya parepareho tayo ng pinapanood. Maaaring wala pang playstation kaya kung anu-ano na lang ang naiimbentong laro na pwedeng gawin sa kalsada o sa isang bakanteng lote. Pero kung ano man ang dahilan sa pagkaparepareho natin ng karanasan, masaya na rin akong naging bata ako sa panahong ito. Masarap alalahanin at balik-balikan. Di ba?"


**11*09**

This week is definitely goin' to be the hardest 7 days of my life...
Bear with me...

Rain fell at 4:05 pm

This song came from one of her favorite movie... Sweet November... I wish November has something sweet to offer me... like having her back...
Who knows what? only time...

Only Time
Enya

Who can say
Where the road goes
Where the day flows
Only time

And who can say
If your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time

Who can say
Why your heart sighs
As your love flies
Only time

And who can say
Why your heart cries
When your love lies
Only time

Who can say
When the roads meet
That love might be
In your heart

And who can say
When the day sleeps
If the night keeps
All your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
If your love grows
As your heart chose
Only time

And who can say
Where the road goes
Where the day flows
Only time

Who knows
Only time
Who knows
Only time

**11*09**

Thanks to voodoo child for last night... sensya na ngarag si Henry e!
I bet purplechaste's a bit freaked out... thanks for bein so nice...
... and lunacy you're one cool chick! Hope you'll stay that way... Pray for me guys... me and her!
One hell of a house party!

Rain fell at 3:47 pm