Year Ender

It's been a while since I last wrote something here, so now I decided that this would be my last entry for the year 2003, although things are working out well for me now, her shadow still remains... I'm leaving this as my farewell entry for this year and I'm hoping that I can leave the past and her memories behind... I have lots of things to tell you guys lotsa things my heart want to scream about, actually this post is really late na coz it's already 2004, but I decided to include it on my December Archive maybe because it really fits there since December ko naman sinulat.
amidst all the confusion I am in, I am so thankful that you stuck with me...
So there, I want to leave this behind...
I wanted to tell her goodbye, in fact that's what I did... my last email for her...

+++++

My baby,

I want to tell you that I miss you, that I long to be in your arms, tell you that your my only wish this christmas, yeah I know it's true. But my heart wanted and wished for something more...
I wanted to wish that Santa would give you back to me as my Christmas present, but that is not what my heart and soul wished for...

I wished for you to be happy, for you to have someone who will love you the way I did perhaps even more. I wished for your happiness even if it meant that I won't be part of it anymore... I wished for someone who'll take care of you the way I wanted to... I wished that Averill will find a better "Jay" to play with him, love him... the way I loved him.

Take care my Baby, this is the only way I can let you know how much I still love you, I don't care if I run out of wishes for me. I just want you to be happy...

Perhaps one day, you'll find that you still need me and my love. One day you'll be able to say that you found someone who loved you with all heart and soul and you want to be in my arms again, but until then, I want you to find your own peace and joy...

So this is it, I'm not saying goodbye... I just don't want to get in your way... I'm just here if you need me...

So long baby... You'll always be my baby...

I leave this song to you...

2 4 1 (my favorite song)

I want to live forever
inside your nights and days
wish upon a silver cloud
crawlin 'cross the moonbeams

a summer night in heaven
between the stars and waves
gaze across the ol bonfire
trample on my heartbeat

wanted to turn you on
my favorite song
wanted to be near you
but somebody owns you now
(I'll try to live somehow)

i love you with a fire
ablaze until time's end
but what good is a heart
when it shudders to speak
i guess it's too late now...


I love you;

I always will...

love,

jay

Saw her friendster account... I don't know what I saw in it, but somethin' tells me that she's living her life now... and I'm no longer part of it... not anymore... ever no more...

*sighs*

darkness fell at 3:24 am

averill

This morning, mom handed me the phone and I was surprised to hear that familiar voice of a kid on the line.
Averill, her nephew called me up and said "hi jay".
So I asked him, why he called and he said, "kase namimiss kita"
I didn't know what to say, I just asked him "Kelan mo ako gusto pumunta dyan?"
He blurted out "Gusto ko everyday.."
I wish I could.
I know the kid misses me a lot and I missed him too.
And I miss her a lot...

darkness fell at 2:49 pm

Lies

I keep telling myself;
I don't love you anymore, I don't think of you;
I'm not waiting for you, I won't ;
I'm done with waiting...

I keep on saying;
I no longer hunger for your touch;
I miss you no more;
You have stopped plaguing my dreams...

I want to tell you;
That I can live without you
It matters not that you're not here.
It makes no difference...

Yeah;
These are the lies I keep on telling myself...

darkness fell at 12:39 pm

...

Hopelessly wanting...
desperately needing...

...please come back...

++_ _+_ _++

We were in the car, speeding our way to Tagaytay, when this song played In Jam 88.3, it broke my heart again

I can't make you love me
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

... am I prayin, wishin' for someone wo will never come?...

++_ _+_ _++

I'm seein some light down the tunnels' end...
some signs of life, slowly easing in, breathing into me...
but it's not from you...
I wish it won't fade out, though it hasn't noticed me yet...
Maybe someday, somehow I'll move on...
through you...
help me find the way...

darkness fell at 11:37 am

Busy

I've been busy as a bee the past few days and I barely even have time to sleep. Yesterday I only slept for about an hour and a half then we're off to the streets again. I've been busying myself with the christmas rush of activities to buy myself time away from the thought that my Christmas would be freezing cold. How Ironic.
It's a good thing I got elected President of the youth organization in our village. Somehow it gives me a little sense that I still have an ounce of worth, that I think my existence lacks. It helped me survive the cold months of last summer when we started falling at the edge of the proverbial cliff. It gives me a sense of fulfillment that I lack in most aspects of my darned life.
I still feel empty though...

++_ _+_ _++

Tough Luck

I can't remember when I last went to a Simbang Gabi, sobrang tagal na ata di ko na talaga maalala.
Yesterday I had to be there because I made a promise that I'll form a choir and sing for our chapel and I had that faint guilty feeling that I shouldn't be there.
Do you know that saying that if you'll be able to complete the nine days of simbang gabi, you'll get a wish that will surely come true?
I bet you already know what I'll be wishing for...
" Lord, I want her back..."
But luck seemed to turn against me. Yesterday while I was out with my youth members, my car hit a van while I was backing up...
And just now, I borrowed a mountain bike from Tito Sam and I couldn't return it in one piece... nasira ko lang naman yung stand...
Omen?
One of my friends teased, "Jay, wag ka kaya muna lumabas nitong linggong to, next week na lang, parang malas ka sa mga bagay na may gulong"
They say Life's like a wheel, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.
My wheel has been deflated, and I lie beneath it...

darkness fell at 4:26 pm

Miles away
Colin Blunstone

If I could reach you
You know I would
If I knew the way
The right things to say
If I could touch you
I wish I could
If I only knew where
You know I'd be there

Miles away
You're so many miles away
Living my lonely life
To live another day (without you)
Miles away
You're so many miles away from me
And I can't find you
All those miles (away)

If I could hold time
In the palm of my hand
I'd not let it through
I'd save it for you
If I had one wish
At my command
I'd want it to be
You wishing for me

Miles away
You're so many miles away
Living my lonely life
To live another day (without you)
Miles away
You're so many miles away from me
And I can't find you
All those miles away
Miles away from me

I remember her telling me how much she liked this song...

Now I sing it for her...

...

darkness fell at 11:56 pm

Bedside

I wake up in the morning and you're the first person that comes to my mind. I open my eyes and see your pictures at my bedside table. Frozen in time, held in a moment I can't get through.
They say, you should've kept her pictures and lock 'em up in your closet, but I can't, I tried to but every morning that I see that table empty, it only reminds me that you have already left me, probably for good...
Each morning I see you and I pray that one day I'll wake up with you by my side... again, never ever leaving.
And when it's time to sleep again, your face haunts me again...
and all I can do is try and touch it, kiss it as it fades away...

++_ _+_ _++

I've been receivin' lotsa different kinds of reactions re: my post yesterday, and frankly I don't know what to make of it... I agree with you guys, sobrang confusing.
One stand out tag on my tagboard reads:Yoko: So masaya ka dapat! well... think you should talk to her! Bet you have done that by now! Honestly natutuwa ako Yehey! Wish you love and happiness my friend!

I envy the flare and enthusiasm but I'm not ready to take false hopes this time.
Sure I wish you were right though;

darkness fell at 12:15 pm

Wreck

Everyday I check my email and pray that I see her name on my Inbox, and when I saw her name last night... I got so excited, the whole world didn't matter...

and this made me cry...

Subject: Re: if you'll learn simple chinese, you'll know what this means

Here We Are(Ken Zhu)

sha na jian
ni yan kuang hong le
wo xin ye sui le
hao duo zhen xin
ni zhuang kan bu jian
ba ju li tan zai yan qian

wo bu yao zai gu gu dan dan deng zhe ni
ai qing xi ti fan fan fu fu

here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei

hey..yeah yeah

wo bu shuo
ni ye hui dong le
wo wei he zhou le
rang ni zi jixue zhe yong gan
ye yao xue zhe jian qiang

wo bu yao zai gu gu dan dan deng zhe ni
ai qing xi ti fan fan fu fu

here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei
tong che xin fei

hey..
here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei

Para sayo talaga yan... i miss you.

++_ _+_ _++

so I searched for its english translation at google and found out what it means...

Here we are

Suddenly
Your eye shone with unshed tears
I feel my heart breaking
So much true feelings
You pretend not to see
Placing such distance between you and me

I don't want to wait for you all by myself
Such uncertainty in the lesson on love

Here we are, It's not a perfect world
Say goodbye to love
Wanting to leave this place, far away
Here we are, It's not a perfect world
Be honest about the scars
And it'll not hurt so deeply

Even if I don't say it
You'll probably know
The reason I left
To let you learn to be brave without me
And learn to be strong

It'll not hurt so deeply...

it didn't hurt, i got no cuts... only wounds that will never heal...
and I love you still

darkness fell at 3:41 am

Nothing

Nothing works for me now. I used to find comfort in writing and sometimes even just having an ear listening to my rants helps me get through the night. I don't know anymore. Nothing seems to help.
My mind screams for her thoughts to get out of my system, but my heart yearns for no one else but her. And I'm sick of it.
I want to hate her, to tell her I did you no wrong, I do not deserve this but I know that I can never hate her.
Lots of things have changed, Our nights have turned from warm to cold, The breeze has turned cruel on the homeless. But only one thing stands.

I used to be proud of it, I wanted to tell the world how much I feel for you. But no one cares to listen anymore.
Because it doesn't matter to her anymore.

I LOVE YOU STILL, EYEN!

I want you back, my whole being aches for you... but I can't do anything.
I have stopped sending messages to you, I can't stand hearing your voice... I want so much to tell you how much I want you back, plead with you.
But I do not want to burden you, neither do I want to bother you...

I am nothing without you.

God please, just one more chance...

darkness fell at 6:31 pm

Moments


This morning you were in my dream again. I took no control of it, you were there and I couldn't resist you.
Our lips tasted its own wine, our bodies locked together and held firmly the promise of morning dew in my eyes...
Our souls were as one, in solemn communion, our eyes never parting as we lay next to each other.
Just you and me.
There were no words, just us feeling, savouring every moment we have left.
Of love, unending, of promises unshattered, glorious, whole.
We will never be apart.
Then the dream fades away.
And I am left alone with my arms holding myself to a sickening embrace;
Of despair, of the shadows of a lost love, gloomy, scattered into pieces.

I can only scream in silence.
...I love you!, still.

++_ _+_ _++

This day marks the first month of the day she went away.
Too soon to forget, too painful to feel the ache...
Empty... desperately wanting...
Please...

Come back!

darkness fell at 1:35 am

showbiz

Had a long and exciting day yesterday, finally got to meet Maverick and Ariel The Misadventures of Maverick and Ariel, if you haven't seen them yet check out their show at ABC 5 on Mondays, 9:30 pm. I wrote someting about their show a few months back and now I went face to face with this two funny guys. Jeff, cheska and me went to ABS-CBN to watch them tape an episode of Home Along da Airport. We got to meet them thru Jeff's former office comrade John, a good friend of Charisse, who happens to be the lovely girlfriend of Maverick. (do you follow?) They were both nice. (Mav and Ariel) Ariel even asked me if I wanna join them on one of their episodes! Cool huh?
Then we were able to get behind the scenes of that Dolphy sitcom. I have to try and start gettin' used to this stuffs because this is goin' to be my world soon...
Dream on man!
Libre lang naman mangarap!


darkness fell at 3:28 pm

28

Today would've been our 28th month...
I miss you badly...
I want you to know that I remembered and that I will always treasure each moment I spent with you, every fifth day of the month...
I want you to know how much I still love you after all this time.
God knows how much I want you back...!

darkness fell at 11:56 pm

dreaming awake

hey steph, fio! look what I found...


"Are we sleep-walking through our waking state or wake-walking through our dreams"? and I got it for only 75 bucks! God bless Video City!

darkness fell at 11:22 am

Wounded

I've been wounded, beaten up, badly bruised and bleeding profusely, I could hardly stand on my own two feet, and yet I still reach for you, my hand reaches out for your hand... my lips waiting for your immortal kiss...
I crave and hunger for your warmth, your touch; and the feel of your skin next to mine, bodies intertwining, arms locked together... lips unparting evermore...
Our souls met, and kissed... and I awake with my pillows wet from the battle of holding on to a dream;
and I realize... you were never there...

darkness fell at 2:14 am

My immortal
evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Coz you're presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
I held you hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I tried so hard to tell
myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears

Got an offline message from Summer, she told me about this song so I went looking for it at once at google and kazaa!, ... Blag! it hit me straight in the face right away...

and though you're still with me... I've been alone all along...

darkness fell at 8:43 pm