never last

There is no lasting happiness.

Not in this world.

One moment you find yourself dancing in glee while singin' in the rain and the next day you got yourself an aching back and a sore throat.

Some good things never last. they never will.

Sometimes I wish I could just get stucked in time, seize and freeze the moments I wore a smile on my face and felt real happy inside.

Sometimes I wish I never knew what it's like to feel happy so I wouln't go looking for it when it has left and flown away.

No matter how hard you try to free yourself from all the world's anxieties it will always have a way of catching up on you.

All these shall come to pass.

Including happiness.

rain fell at 1:24 pm

Trust

I'm in some sort of a writing slump right now, I have been constantly playing with the letters and the backspace key since yesterday, I must have been really worn out. All the writings I've been doing the past few months might have drained me out. and here I am still tryin' to make up words, make up for the lost time. Lost time in the blogworld. I hope somehow I'll come up with something worth reading.

I guess I'll just talk about the word "trust" right now.
Every relationship, or should I say any kind of human relationship would require this simple intangble thing. Not many of us can freely or easily give it, Its something you have to work on, it's something you have to earn. I myself have been in lots of trouble by trusting and not trusting people. Either way I get hurt and I find myself asking " to trust " or " not to trust ".

I guess you'd sense the anger and the frustration as you read on, probably you're wondering what am I leading to, what do I really wanna say, No, don't expect me to be able to weave catchy lines, I'm too enraged for that now.

It just so happened that the person whom I trusted so much ran away with our youth organizations fund, took off with the basketball players money and left me with a reputation of being an irresponsible youth org's president.

I used to admire him for his tireless dedication, and hardwork, little did I know of his real motives.

We found a copy of the draft of the financial statement that he made and compared it with the ones he submitted to us. and oh my, you'd be surprised with the discrepancies.

I wonder how he sleeps at night.

And that guy with a hairlip, "ngongo" to use our mother tongue, have been wanting all his life to be the recipient of a model youth award.

I wish you sleepless nights, and another hole in your nostrils

rain fell at 3:11 pm

She sent me this via email yesterday... I'm pretty sure it's something you'll all think about... The one that got away...

Read this...
The one that got away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal


In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with whom, everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cardsjust didn't fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.


If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.


But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

***

I've read your *latest blog yesterday...it was good! I was touched. I'd like to think that it is never too late... I don't know yet if you really did get away or will get away. I will always have hope in my heart and I hope that you do too... Hey...I'm going to Boracay, wish me a happy trip there! Gonna stay there for 4 days.Ü

I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Wish you happiness... wish you a happy trip...

(*latest blog= One and gone article)
(text in bold italics= that's her, talkin' to me.)

rain fell at 1:02 am

One and... Gone

Our eyes met, we held that gaze for a while, one moment that could last forever.
Our lips followed, savouring the feel of our tongues together, not wanting to part ever.
I held your bosom as I gently bid goodbye to your lips and adore your neck, down to your throat.
The touch of your smooth skin, the feel of your body next to mine. Oh how could I resist your love?
I paced slowly, kissed your entire being, memorizing every inch of you.
I felt your warmth, your kiss, your touch, it's you saying I want you, I love you... I want you now...
I slid down, felt the heaven in you... heaven in us...
We were one...
We danced to the rhythm our bodies made.
Souls on fire.
One moment that seemed like eternity.
Our kisses grew more passionately now more than ever we felt in union, in love.
and that spur of a moment, that glimpse of heaven, you whispered... I love you...

I love you back...

We slept in each other's arms, cradled with love never ending.

And I'll wake up alone, you left.

and I'm left chasing the dream...

rain fell at 12:09 pm

...

I spoke to her last night, it still feels weird talkin' to someone who at one point in your life became your life and for all it's meaning, still is...
I miss her. for the nth time I've written it down, screamed it in my mind with the hope that it would reach her. Now she's hearing it from me but its not gonna mean anything anymore.
Because I'm with someone else now, someone probably more deserving than her.
and so is she.
She asks me, " Do you feel that I still love you? "
I couldn't make a word out of it and just say " I guess so..."
and she blurts out, "The feeling is still there, but I don't want to be with you, not now... "
" ... that's why I still can't get myself to commit with him, not until I'm over you... "
" Perhaps someday we'll meet again and when we feel that we still love each other, and the need is still there, we'll be together again. "

Yeah, someday.

I'll stop asking why we can't be together even though we both know how much we still ache for each other.
I'll stop breathing your name, I won't be kissing you in my dreams anymore.

Because you'll be here.

someday.

rain fell at 11:28 pm

Thank you

Thank you for the love you gave me;
and its memories that faded along with it...

Thank you for the kisses we shared;
and the nights I spent tryin' to erase it from
my mind

Thank you for your warm embrace;
and that sad feeling of holding myself alone...

Thank you for the touch of your hand;
and for making me realize how sweaty my palm could be

Thank you for the times we made love;
for the times we were one;
and for emptying the void in me.

Thank you for walking out the door
and for leaving it open

for love to come again...

rain fell at 11:56 pm

Usapang kalye 2

Makoy: May bago na namang nadagdag sa bokabularyo nitong si Den-den tol
Mokong: Ano yun?
Makoy: Ano daw yung ilalagay sa Character reference pag gagawa ka ng Bio-data.
Denden: E di ano, Tall, dark and handsome. Tama naman di ba?
Mokong: Ano daw? ( in a funny, mocking tone)
Makoy: Tanga!, mali yun. Ang character reference yun yung gulay o prutas o kaya hayop na gustong kainin ng nanay mo nung buntis sya sa iyo. Yun yung kung saan ka ipinaglihi, kaya ka nagkaganyan.
Mokong: Hinde! Character reference, yun yung parang bibliography pag gagawa ka ng term paper. Halimbawa, mahilig ka sa Cartoons kaya cartoons ka din mag-isip, o kaya mahilig ka sa basketbol, dahil mahilig ka magbasa tungkol sa NBA.
Makoy: Ay tama, pinakasafe na sagot dyan, Bible para masabi nila na mabait ka.
Denden: Mali pala yung sinagot namin ni Mike, siya nilagay niya slim, saka tall.

Malamang.

Don't worry after pulled the nonsense crap, I explained to him what Character Reference really was.

:)

[fyi: mokong is yaj's alter ego (not that it matters :)]

rain fell at 11:47 pm

Moving on...

From fio.

I've been wanting to post this beautiful piece but I haven't got the guts to do it back then...

Moving on, two small words I can't ease my way through...

and so I owe my inspiration to this piece...

I've had enough.

No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of. No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. And no, never will I again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on... ???

I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once you stayed. And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one woman I felt it for. I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the woman who left.

I will give my affections to any woman who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give her the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least she's here, you're not.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think you. I'll just try to smile.

I am moving on... I guess, and hoping that the next thing would be letting go...

rain fell at 10:22 am

Ready now

I'm ready now,
to open my heart
once more
;to face the world
without you

I'm ready now,
to love and risk
getting hurt again
;to start my life
anew

I'm ready now,
to leave your
memories behind
;to look back
and smile...

Because I know in
my heart I gave it all
for you...
And I can give it all
again.

The dreams we dreamt
won't die nor will it
fade with our love
but will live on,
as long as there is
you and me.

I'm ready now,
to love and let go
to dream and believe
in love again.
to live my life
without you

++_ _+_ _++

This song is for her... every word, every line I sing for her...

In my life
Lennon-McCartney

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

rain fell at 11:58 am

I dig this song, This was one of the winners of the Himig Handog Love Songs contest Written by Ted Reyes & Jeff Antiporda and interpreted by none other than Rico Blanco... I really like this song, I've just finished downloading this song and it's still playing in my head...

Sing with me...

Bye Bye Na

Eto na ang gabi
na ikaw ay aalis
at iiwan mo ako

Sa lahat ng gabi
Ito ang ayaw dumating
sana ay umaga na

Tatawagan mo pa rin ba 'ko
Susulatan mo pa ba ako
Tayo parin ba 'ng dawala
Kahit... na

Bye bye na
aalis ka na
Bye bye na rin ba
sa ating alaala

Meron kang makikita
mas higit pa sa akin
pag ika'y malayo na

Wag mong lilimutin na narito lang ako
hawak ang larawan mo

so long...?

++_ _+ _ _++

It takes time to heal...
Takes time to gather strength...
to face and look up at the sky at the world...

It would take time to be whole again...

rain fell at 1:22 am

From the grave

HI!

It's been so long, I don't where to start, but I must say that I really missed writing. Anyway what prompted me to speak and rise from the grave were your voices, calling out... I know most of you guys are worried sick about what happened to me. but I am fine, I guess I can say that now...

I'm fine.

A week ago (Feb.11 to be exact) some of my writings from this very same spot was published in the 2bu section of the Inquirer newspaper. Thanks to re: Pam Pastor who happens to be the Chief of Correspondents of that column who picked my ramblings and published my tear's work at PDI... Seein' how badly bruised I was 6 months ago just gave me enough reason to be thankful that I survived and that I can smile now...

A part of that I owe to you who patiently browsed my everyday rants...

I am not saying goodbye, though I sound like I am.

I just don't know how to start, coz I feel like I owe you guys at least the gist of what happened to me during my month long hiatus...

But I'm here now...

I'm back, from the grave.

Maybe somehow you can help me rearrange my life...

Like scattered pieces of a lifesized jigsaw puzzle...

Thank you for stickin with me.

Now I'm stucked with you too...

darkness fell at 11:55 pm

Year Ender

It's been a while since I last wrote something here, so now I decided that this would be my last entry for the year 2003, although things are working out well for me now, her shadow still remains... I'm leaving this as my farewell entry for this year and I'm hoping that I can leave the past and her memories behind... I have lots of things to tell you guys lotsa things my heart want to scream about, actually this post is really late na coz it's already 2004, but I decided to include it on my December Archive maybe because it really fits there since December ko naman sinulat.
amidst all the confusion I am in, I am so thankful that you stuck with me...
So there, I want to leave this behind...
I wanted to tell her goodbye, in fact that's what I did... my last email for her...

+++++

My baby,

I want to tell you that I miss you, that I long to be in your arms, tell you that your my only wish this christmas, yeah I know it's true. But my heart wanted and wished for something more...
I wanted to wish that Santa would give you back to me as my Christmas present, but that is not what my heart and soul wished for...

I wished for you to be happy, for you to have someone who will love you the way I did perhaps even more. I wished for your happiness even if it meant that I won't be part of it anymore... I wished for someone who'll take care of you the way I wanted to... I wished that Averill will find a better "Jay" to play with him, love him... the way I loved him.

Take care my Baby, this is the only way I can let you know how much I still love you, I don't care if I run out of wishes for me. I just want you to be happy...

Perhaps one day, you'll find that you still need me and my love. One day you'll be able to say that you found someone who loved you with all heart and soul and you want to be in my arms again, but until then, I want you to find your own peace and joy...

So this is it, I'm not saying goodbye... I just don't want to get in your way... I'm just here if you need me...

So long baby... You'll always be my baby...

I leave this song to you...

2 4 1 (my favorite song)

I want to live forever
inside your nights and days
wish upon a silver cloud
crawlin 'cross the moonbeams

a summer night in heaven
between the stars and waves
gaze across the ol bonfire
trample on my heartbeat

wanted to turn you on
my favorite song
wanted to be near you
but somebody owns you now
(I'll try to live somehow)

i love you with a fire
ablaze until time's end
but what good is a heart
when it shudders to speak
i guess it's too late now...


I love you;

I always will...

love,

jay

Saw her friendster account... I don't know what I saw in it, but somethin' tells me that she's living her life now... and I'm no longer part of it... not anymore... ever no more...

*sighs*

darkness fell at 3:24 am

averill

This morning, mom handed me the phone and I was surprised to hear that familiar voice of a kid on the line.
Averill, her nephew called me up and said "hi jay".
So I asked him, why he called and he said, "kase namimiss kita"
I didn't know what to say, I just asked him "Kelan mo ako gusto pumunta dyan?"
He blurted out "Gusto ko everyday.."
I wish I could.
I know the kid misses me a lot and I missed him too.
And I miss her a lot...

darkness fell at 2:49 pm

Lies

I keep telling myself;
I don't love you anymore, I don't think of you;
I'm not waiting for you, I won't ;
I'm done with waiting...

I keep on saying;
I no longer hunger for your touch;
I miss you no more;
You have stopped plaguing my dreams...

I want to tell you;
That I can live without you
It matters not that you're not here.
It makes no difference...

Yeah;
These are the lies I keep on telling myself...

darkness fell at 12:39 pm

...

Hopelessly wanting...
desperately needing...

...please come back...

++_ _+_ _++

We were in the car, speeding our way to Tagaytay, when this song played In Jam 88.3, it broke my heart again

I can't make you love me
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

... am I prayin, wishin' for someone wo will never come?...

++_ _+_ _++

I'm seein some light down the tunnels' end...
some signs of life, slowly easing in, breathing into me...
but it's not from you...
I wish it won't fade out, though it hasn't noticed me yet...
Maybe someday, somehow I'll move on...
through you...
help me find the way...

darkness fell at 11:37 am

Busy

I've been busy as a bee the past few days and I barely even have time to sleep. Yesterday I only slept for about an hour and a half then we're off to the streets again. I've been busying myself with the christmas rush of activities to buy myself time away from the thought that my Christmas would be freezing cold. How Ironic.
It's a good thing I got elected President of the youth organization in our village. Somehow it gives me a little sense that I still have an ounce of worth, that I think my existence lacks. It helped me survive the cold months of last summer when we started falling at the edge of the proverbial cliff. It gives me a sense of fulfillment that I lack in most aspects of my darned life.
I still feel empty though...

++_ _+_ _++

Tough Luck

I can't remember when I last went to a Simbang Gabi, sobrang tagal na ata di ko na talaga maalala.
Yesterday I had to be there because I made a promise that I'll form a choir and sing for our chapel and I had that faint guilty feeling that I shouldn't be there.
Do you know that saying that if you'll be able to complete the nine days of simbang gabi, you'll get a wish that will surely come true?
I bet you already know what I'll be wishing for...
" Lord, I want her back..."
But luck seemed to turn against me. Yesterday while I was out with my youth members, my car hit a van while I was backing up...
And just now, I borrowed a mountain bike from Tito Sam and I couldn't return it in one piece... nasira ko lang naman yung stand...
Omen?
One of my friends teased, "Jay, wag ka kaya muna lumabas nitong linggong to, next week na lang, parang malas ka sa mga bagay na may gulong"
They say Life's like a wheel, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.
My wheel has been deflated, and I lie beneath it...

darkness fell at 4:26 pm

Miles away
Colin Blunstone

If I could reach you
You know I would
If I knew the way
The right things to say
If I could touch you
I wish I could
If I only knew where
You know I'd be there

Miles away
You're so many miles away
Living my lonely life
To live another day (without you)
Miles away
You're so many miles away from me
And I can't find you
All those miles (away)

If I could hold time
In the palm of my hand
I'd not let it through
I'd save it for you
If I had one wish
At my command
I'd want it to be
You wishing for me

Miles away
You're so many miles away
Living my lonely life
To live another day (without you)
Miles away
You're so many miles away from me
And I can't find you
All those miles away
Miles away from me

I remember her telling me how much she liked this song...

Now I sing it for her...

...

darkness fell at 11:56 pm

Bedside

I wake up in the morning and you're the first person that comes to my mind. I open my eyes and see your pictures at my bedside table. Frozen in time, held in a moment I can't get through.
They say, you should've kept her pictures and lock 'em up in your closet, but I can't, I tried to but every morning that I see that table empty, it only reminds me that you have already left me, probably for good...
Each morning I see you and I pray that one day I'll wake up with you by my side... again, never ever leaving.
And when it's time to sleep again, your face haunts me again...
and all I can do is try and touch it, kiss it as it fades away...

++_ _+_ _++

I've been receivin' lotsa different kinds of reactions re: my post yesterday, and frankly I don't know what to make of it... I agree with you guys, sobrang confusing.
One stand out tag on my tagboard reads:Yoko: So masaya ka dapat! well... think you should talk to her! Bet you have done that by now! Honestly natutuwa ako Yehey! Wish you love and happiness my friend!

I envy the flare and enthusiasm but I'm not ready to take false hopes this time.
Sure I wish you were right though;

darkness fell at 12:15 pm

Wreck

Everyday I check my email and pray that I see her name on my Inbox, and when I saw her name last night... I got so excited, the whole world didn't matter...

and this made me cry...

Subject: Re: if you'll learn simple chinese, you'll know what this means

Here We Are(Ken Zhu)

sha na jian
ni yan kuang hong le
wo xin ye sui le
hao duo zhen xin
ni zhuang kan bu jian
ba ju li tan zai yan qian

wo bu yao zai gu gu dan dan deng zhe ni
ai qing xi ti fan fan fu fu

here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei

hey..yeah yeah

wo bu shuo
ni ye hui dong le
wo wei he zhou le
rang ni zi jixue zhe yong gan
ye yao xue zhe jian qiang

wo bu yao zai gu gu dan dan deng zhe ni
ai qing xi ti fan fan fu fu

here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei
tong che xin fei

hey..
here we are
it's not a perfect world
hui bie le ai qing
yao yuan zhou gao fei

here we are
it's not a perfect world
rang shang hen tan bai
jiu bu hui tong che xin fei

Para sayo talaga yan... i miss you.

++_ _+_ _++

so I searched for its english translation at google and found out what it means...

Here we are

Suddenly
Your eye shone with unshed tears
I feel my heart breaking
So much true feelings
You pretend not to see
Placing such distance between you and me

I don't want to wait for you all by myself
Such uncertainty in the lesson on love

Here we are, It's not a perfect world
Say goodbye to love
Wanting to leave this place, far away
Here we are, It's not a perfect world
Be honest about the scars
And it'll not hurt so deeply

Even if I don't say it
You'll probably know
The reason I left
To let you learn to be brave without me
And learn to be strong

It'll not hurt so deeply...

it didn't hurt, i got no cuts... only wounds that will never heal...
and I love you still

darkness fell at 3:41 am