Sane?

Yesterday I got lots of things I wanna write about, I felt like a part of me would burst and consequently my eyes will flood with tears again.

I was mad, enraged, ecstatic, overjoyed, annoyed, pissed off (blogspot was down? Still down?) nervous, somewhat calm yet desperate, thrilled, bashful, hopeful, sleepy, bored, and tired. I got all these feelings inside me and I could hardly distinguish each one from the other. Amazingly, it made my day... somewhat different.

I've always been different, unconventional in my own weird, eerie way.

I got bored from Attorney Barribal-Co's Ranting in my Political Law class, I loathed everyone in the class even those whom I was fond of making fun of. She scared the hell of us with the things she said about Bar Examinations. The grandeur, the festivity on the last Sunday of the 4 Sundays you have to go through, the sacrifice you have to make for 6 months of your review. She went on and on while I laughed at the back. The funny thing was, there was nothing funny. Perhaps lunacy finally made a break through my defenses.

I wanted to get out as much as I wanted to stay... and I wanted to scream and tell everyone how much I wanted to stay silent. I took a deep breath because I wanted to free my lungs off the air. I wished I had no more air to breathe but I wanted to live on and not breathe. I'm sick of breathing. I'm tired of eating and taking a crap. I just want to lay down and sleep while I fight the urge of getting up and run away from it.

I'm confused with all the clarity of the way things are going. Beyond the beyond I was way up falling down. I want to be alone but I can't stand being with me. Out of all the confusion came the resolution that the blur was so clear I couldn't see how much I want to stay sane. Yet reason comes to an end that there's nothing more to reason about.

I don't want to feel anymore.
I'm hurting but I can't feel the pain.

Maybe someday I'll get used to it.

When I'm all callous. When my soul would shed its spirit and hope though not completely gone fades away and leaves a tiny light. A speck of dusts which blinds and lulls me into oblivion.

And I would forget what pain is, what it's like to be drenched in tears.

I'll forget what feelings are and what they were.

But not her.

Rain fell at 2:27 pm