Cyberdaddy

Yesterday, my son woke up from a nap and my wife told me that he was looking for me, in between tears he was calling me and then came the heartbreaking line "My daddy is stuck on a laptop...".

To my son, his father has now been reduced to a 4x6 inch character he sees on the laptop that he fondly calls daddy. Gone are the afternoons he would ride his car with me watching him from a distance. The 10am bath time we used to share is now a distant memory that is now probably fading from his young mind.

Sometimes late at night I'd wake up and find myself longing to hear him cry and ask for milk. A few months before I left for Singapore, I spent a lot of time with him. I knew I was leaving and my wife said it would be a good idea to have this bond before I finally leave home and work abroad. Everyday I felt more and more closer to him and everyday it became harder for me to leave. I was in constant pain the whole time, add that to the fact that I was leaving my expecting wife. But that's another story.

I never imagined I would have to live and work abroad. I've never dreamt of it. Not even in an alternate universe would I have wished to be separated from my family let alone my son and my wife. I've always thought I'd always be there for see and watch him grow. I wanted to hear him  play his first note, or watch him in his first basketball game or piano recital. I told myself that I will never miss any milestone in my sons life. I know I would never be a perfect father but at the very least I wanted him to have a father who was always there for him.

Now his daddy got stuck on a laptop.

For my son, Jaden, this is what I want you to know.

I love you! Never question that. Your mommy and I loves you so much. And when we say you mean the world to us, it means we will do everything to give you everything even if it means not being with you for a while. And  I know and I have faith that we will get through.

I may miss some of your birthdays, but you have to know how badly I want to be there. I may miss some of your games but you should know I would always try to be there. 

When trying is not enough I will do more than just try, I will be there.

Daddy misses you a lot. I think of you everyday. You and your mom are my source of strength. You inspire me to persevere and work hard, and to be tough when things get real rough.

But for now, I'll just be an image you see on the computer, your silly dad who sings "Elmo's world" and Yo Gabba Gabba songs.

I love you!

-Cyberdaddy Jay

Epiphany

A few weeks back my then pregnant wife told me that although she’s excited to see our son, she says she’ll miss him. She’ll miss being with him everyday. She’ll miss the thought that our baby is just curled up inside her, taking him wherever she goes.

I will never know how it feels to be pregnant, to have a person growing inside you, to go through all the hormonal changes and discomfort that a woman/mother experiences as she lets another person into this world. But I felt for her, I knew exactly what she meant. She loves our son and she wants to be with him, care for him in a way that we men as part of the male species will never get the chance to have.

And so I thought that’s just the way it is for parents. For a mother in particular, It was like an epiphany of what’s she’s going to feel twenty or thirty years later. When our son decides to live a life of his own, have his own family and leave the home he was curled, tucked in every night, nurtured and cared for all his life. Just like when he leaves his mother’s womb that hollow feeling of separating from the fruit of your loins will always be there. And its inevitable no matter how hard you try.

As a father, we will be feeling all these emotions too, like a giant wave that crushes to the ocean floor it will pound us, and leave us with that painful feeling of letting go. Yet it will always be incomparable to that link between a mother and her child. After all, we wouldn’t all be here if it weren’t for our mother, who carried us for nine (10 months actually) months, we bathe with her, went to places with her, ate with her. Everything that transforms us to what we are happened through her.

I can never describe in words what I felt when I first saw my baby boy, our baby boy. And I can imagine my wife feeling the same. He has finally arrived. We worry for him, we miss him when he is not in sight, that’s how it is and that’s how it will be. My mom always used to say, you’ll only realize how hard it is to become parents when you have kids of your own.

The journey begins, and our long wait is over. We can feel anxious about his future and that’s normal, we all are. We welcome him with open arms and all our love. “I can hardly wait to see you come of age, but in the meantime…” (John Lennon, Beautiful Boy) He is our baby boy.

He is our son.

For Jaden

October 25, 2008

3:38 pm

Dearest Jaden,

I’m right here outside the Operating Room where your mom was taken, more than an hour and a half ago. Im scared. Im scared for you and your mom. I wanted so much to be there by your mom’s side. So I could at least hold her hand. I know she’s scared too, but I can see how she’s trying to hide it, not because she doesn’t want me to see her real feelings but because she wants to be brave. She’ll be brave for you.

In a few hours, you’ll be here. I don’t know how long will it take for the doctors or the nurses allow me to see you but I sure am excited. I want to see you come out safe, I want to see your mom and hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. I love you both you and your mom, more than anything else in this world.

If I could trade places with your mom, I would, I don’t want to see her in pain, but that’s not possible. So all I can do is sit here and wait, and pray that you’ll both come out alright. Nothing can ease my fears right now but the sight of you and your mom. There are a thousand feelings I can’t even begin to describe right now and I wish they will all be replaced with the joy of seeing you for the first time, the relief of seeing your mom open her eyes and look for her son, our son.

She will be fine, you will be fine, she’ll look at you and her tired body will feel as though she never went under the knife. I will see her face light up once she sees you. And I will be standing there watching you both, eager to let your mom hold you for the very first time. This is all I hope for, and all I pray for.

I’ll be seeing you in a while. :)

Love,

Daddy

Waiting

My dearest one,

Its not gonna take too long before I finally see your face, before I can touch your hands and I can't wait to feel your fingers around mine. A tight grip as if to say, Im here, I am finally here.

I am excited to see you, I want to hold you and feel your body close to my chest, close to my heart. The warmth of my embrace will keep you safe, will make you feel loved.

She's going to be very exhausted, your mom. But at the sight of you, all her pain from the previous hour or so will gently be eased away. Her tired body will heal in an urgent sense of relief. You are the one we've been waiting for.

And you will be here.

I can't wait to see your first smile, the first time you open your eyes and see us. You are our love. And though I know you'll never have a recollection of that instant. That one single moment will live in my memories until the day I die.

I can't wait to hear your first word, or perhaps the first syllable you will ever utter, it will be like music. Far better than Mozart or Beethoven or the Beatles, no, not even close.

Your first step, your first fall, the first time you'll ride a bike, I can wait to see and watch you grow.

I love you Jaden! I love you my son.

Mommy and Daddy are waiting for you...

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)
John Lennon

Close your eyes,

Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,


Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,


Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime...

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,


Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,


Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.

John Lennon wrote this song for his son Sean Lennon, now Im singing this to my son, Jaden. I love you so much!