Crossroads

While tucking him into bed, I foolishly tried to tell my 2 year old son I'm going to Singapore. I don't know what got into me, maybe I wanted to see what his reaction would be or I was hoping he would say "No Daddy..." And he did not disappoint.

Me: "Jaden I'm going to Singapore ok?"

Jaden: "No, I dike (I don't like), I dike..."

Me: "Why?"

Jaden: (in between drinking his milk) "I dike"... "No"

Me: "You want me to stay here with you?"

Jaden: (nods) "Yeah."

Me: I'm going to Singapore so I can buy you toys ok?

Jaden: (nods)

There comes a point in life when you realize, you have to do something, rather than feeling you could have done more. Its when you try to justify that its not too late, that you can still go beyond your potential and ultimately, to be able to provide for your family. And by providing, I mean not just the basic needs to survive the months ahead, but to secure a better future.

Having spent the better part of the decade trying to make it into the music scene didn't serve me well. I know that now. I was chasing a dream. I was a fool to believe I would become a rockstar. I mean what was I thinking? Maybe I wasn't good enough, with my girly voice and sloppy songwriting. Yet a part of me still holds on to that dream and I don't know when to stop, maybe I never will.

So when should you let go of a dream? Isn't that what keeps us alive? That desperate hope to make something out of ourselves? When does one say enough of this? I'm moving on. My mom always look at that phase of my life with disgust and disappointment. Claiming that being in a band destroyed me. What she doesn't know is that music kept me sane. My dream kept me going.

I looked at my son as he fell asleep and I realize, I don't have to stop dreaming. Not everyone ends up what they aspire to be but you have to try. I used to say, I'll keep on trying so when I grow old and look back at my life, whatever I turn out to be, at least I know I tried. Now more than ever, I feel there are no truer words than that. 

Building new dreams can open ways for a bigger dream. Maybe this is the fresh start I need. I can still write songs nobody is stopping me from that, and maybe someday I'll find my voice again.

And until then, I guess I have to take this road for the meantime...

When its not for you...

I have always thought that I was destined for greatness. Its a little self-serving; One might think. But that's because that's how I am built. I believe in me. I know the things I am capable of, I am aware of my potential. But the sad part of it is I might be the only one who knows that; the lone person who'll notice how good I can become. Reality will always say, you are not worthy. That's the closest you can get to success. At the bottom of the rank and file.

Is it because there are so many things that I want to do that I haven't got time to even start pursuing them. I guess not. I wanted to become a rock star. I formed my band, contributed my songwriting skills and my voice. I wanted to become a writer. So I started blogging and practiced my amateur creative writing skills. All these to no avail. (at least for now)

Fresh from graduation, the very first office that I went to was a government office. I wanted to have a career that's in line with my field of study, the initial response that I got from the HR guy was "May kilala ka ba dito?" (Do you know someone here?) I didn't fold, I asked for the officer in charge/supervisor and complained about the rude guy. Only to find out that, its just how it is. You have to know somebody to be somebody in that office. (Government offices in general).

Im not gonna start telling the story of my ill fated application at Sandigan anymore. Tragic is the apt word to describe it.

I have bitterly accepted the fact that I cannot be a tv/movie actor. I have abandoned my dreams of becoming a regular host in Eat Bulaga. Some things are just too grand. Unattainable. Unreal.

Just recently I tried to apply for a post at the Senate. I went there, with my crushed spirit and the last few ounces of hope that somehow I might make it. I will finally get a job that I truly love. When I learned that it was in an office that stands proud with integrity, I was even more excited.

Everything went well, I guess. I passed 2 interviews. But in the end, I lost again.

At the pit of desperation, I stopped breathing, I stopped dreaming, I thought to myself, will I be forever stuck in a mediocre job? Am I blessed with these gifts that are bound to rot with my decaying soul.

It wasn't for me, and yet there are so many things I can still be happy about. I have a lovely wife and a beautiful son.

I can choose to stop dreaming and face the rest of my life with half dazed energy. And embrace the fact that it's just not for me.

Or I can rise above it, and finally settle my score with fate.

You are here

People are born, we grow up, we'll have our first set of teeth and lose it for the permanent ones, and we will probably lose one or two if we dont care enough for them. We'll go to school, enter into relationships, and, lets cut to the chase, we''ll all grow old. We will either live to become Michael Phelps, or we will sink into mediocrity and become a bitter version of a lifeless dream. Our lives are defined by our constant struggle towards a vision we created. What happens next is up to us, and fate cannot be blamed for what happens neither does circumstance have a share of the consequence. Its either you make or break. Its your call.

Yet with all the uncertainty that taints the clarity of what we aspire to become, we remain unnerved. We fight for every step we take, we gamble with every breath and take the risk of enhaling fumes that are harmful even for the harmless. Lets face it. We are here, You are here. And again, that old cliche, Make the most of what we have, Seize the day! Carpe Diem. We need all the inspiration we can get from people who have gone ahead of us. Take their advice. Take the bold step. Become what you aspire to be. Never be afraid to fight for what you believe, because in the end, nothing really matters. We will all die anyway, but I would rather fight for something I firmly believe in than die for a lie. Or die without trying to see the light.

Believe in your dream. Believe in goodness. For that is all we can cling to, no matter how dark the world turned out to be and will become in the future that is the only hope we have left. The world has become a crazy place, but you are sane. You are still sane.

You are here.