Crossroads

While tucking him into bed, I foolishly tried to tell my 2 year old son I'm going to Singapore. I don't know what got into me, maybe I wanted to see what his reaction would be or I was hoping he would say "No Daddy..." And he did not disappoint.

Me: "Jaden I'm going to Singapore ok?"

Jaden: "No, I dike (I don't like), I dike..."

Me: "Why?"

Jaden: (in between drinking his milk) "I dike"... "No"

Me: "You want me to stay here with you?"

Jaden: (nods) "Yeah."

Me: I'm going to Singapore so I can buy you toys ok?

Jaden: (nods)

There comes a point in life when you realize, you have to do something, rather than feeling you could have done more. Its when you try to justify that its not too late, that you can still go beyond your potential and ultimately, to be able to provide for your family. And by providing, I mean not just the basic needs to survive the months ahead, but to secure a better future.

Having spent the better part of the decade trying to make it into the music scene didn't serve me well. I know that now. I was chasing a dream. I was a fool to believe I would become a rockstar. I mean what was I thinking? Maybe I wasn't good enough, with my girly voice and sloppy songwriting. Yet a part of me still holds on to that dream and I don't know when to stop, maybe I never will.

So when should you let go of a dream? Isn't that what keeps us alive? That desperate hope to make something out of ourselves? When does one say enough of this? I'm moving on. My mom always look at that phase of my life with disgust and disappointment. Claiming that being in a band destroyed me. What she doesn't know is that music kept me sane. My dream kept me going.

I looked at my son as he fell asleep and I realize, I don't have to stop dreaming. Not everyone ends up what they aspire to be but you have to try. I used to say, I'll keep on trying so when I grow old and look back at my life, whatever I turn out to be, at least I know I tried. Now more than ever, I feel there are no truer words than that. 

Building new dreams can open ways for a bigger dream. Maybe this is the fresh start I need. I can still write songs nobody is stopping me from that, and maybe someday I'll find my voice again.

And until then, I guess I have to take this road for the meantime...