August 20, 2003

Alone again...

I used to like being alone, when I was a growing up I'd delight on the thought that Id be left alone in our house. I could play Family computer, play loud music and Id sing my heart out... I could even watch porn and I enjoyed it.

Now I'm alone. I'm alone and I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder why some people can stand being alone. They live on with their lives and go home to an empty house, a couch, a TV, a PC, a refrigerator stuck with food you surely can't consume by yourself. I called it empty because they are just there with no one to tend to until you come home.

But there is nothing wrong with that, we call them spinsters, bachelors "matandang dalaga" or "matandang binata" or so we say in Filipino. And yes they live on and they die alone.

So why should I hate being alone? Would life be more fulfilling if it is shared with someone? And less lived if you went through it alone?

I don't know... All I know is that I was happy when I had you... even if it meant being hurled with harsh words, even if it meant holding a cold hand. I was happy knowing that you were around. And that is all that matters.

And so I ask, Is it just the fear of being alone that drives us to be with someone? I guess not. If I can live without you it doesn't mean I have to live without someone else. But that's still not it, because no matter how many someone else I'm going to be with. It's still you that I would go looking for.

I guess it's not always a choice, being alone. Some people chose to be with themselves because they lost that someone they want to be with or perhaps they didn't find anyone.

At least I found you.

Rain fell at 4:57 pm