Out of sight, Out of mind

That is so not true.

At least for me.

The more I don't see her, the more I think of her.
The more I try no to think of her,
The more she gets in my head.

I wonder if she ever thinks of me this way?

I don't know what else there is to write
and probably there is nothing more to write.

that's how it is wth my life
if people would ask me about the precis of my story
I'd say *"Born, lived, met Eyen" because that's what it's all about.

I miss her.

(*a quote from John Lennon for Yoko)

Rain fell at 11:42 pm

Cloud 9

Last night Jeff and I went to Antipolo, and I'd be really honest... I really miss the place. I couldn't exactly remember the last time we went there. I guess that would be way back when I was still in college. Sometimes we'd just be hangin' out at Jeff's place and I'd say "tara, punta tayo antipolo" then we'd wait for Tita Precy (Jeff's mom) to go to slumberland and we would all push Jeff's car out of the garage so they won't hear the jetcar start it's "loud" engine. and off we go to Kelly Heights.

The place was hot back then, cars would fill up the side of the road and people would stay there all night. Now they're all in Eastwood and some are probably too old to hang out.

I've always loved the place because of the cool view it offers, Maybe because I've always been a sentimental person... I don't know if that's good or not. Places like that gives me some sort of peace I myself couldn't comprehend. Maybe because I feel like I'm on top of the world or maybe because I'm overly sentimental.

I had mixed feelings while I was there, I was happy to be
there again, I missed our buddy Henry because we used
to go there with him. and again, the inevitable sadness
because she's not there. I've always wanted to take her
there... now only time can tell if I'll ever be able to take her
there.

So there I was, I stood there and I felt like I could whisper
to God and He will hear me more clearly because I was up
there, so I kept on telling Him. "Next Time God, sana kasama ko na siya dito"

Rain fell at 7:45 pm

Mars

I bet there are lots of people outside their houses tonight,
looking up... staring at the sky...

I know, I was one of them.

I waited and looked for that red planet. and I wondered
what the hell am I doing?

So what if there are lots of people at UP observatory.
It wouldn't change my life if I see Mars tonight
But hell, I went outside and tortured my neck by looking
up staring at it.

Mars visible with the naked eye, now that's something...

They say that we'll have to wait for another 60,000 years
to see Mars this close again, and I didn' wanna miss it!

And as I stared at the sky, I thought to myself,
Is she looking up now too? Are we looking at the same
direction?...

And I realized that I'd give everything just to see her
again, That I wouldn' waste this lifetime to miss this
chance... even if it means waiting for a very long time...

I just wish that when I see her again, it won't be the last...

Rain fell at 1:14 am

Shawarma

Just got home from Lagro, Brian and I went there and satisfied our craving for that foul smelling delicacy from the Middle East? (Can someone send me a brief history of this onion clad food?) We had to commute and we had a hard time tryin' to because it was already past midnight. But we had to get there, Nothing can stop me from being with my only hope tonight. And how I longer for her, so tasty and voluptuous... don't forget the sauce. The Pride of Lagro... malupet na SHAWARMA!

I wonder what it tastes or feels like to kiss a girl who just ate Shawarma. I mean kiss right away, just after her last bite... no chewing gum, candy whatsoever.

It wouldn't really matter if it's the girl you really love... It's like kissing your girl when she wakes up in the morning (re: her last meal-garlic steak) and she hasn't performed her morning rituals yet... that's the real fresh french kiss... without the fluoride.

When you love someone, you accept her and love her for everything that she is. She might have tons of onions with her that stings your eyes and make you cry. But you'll take her and have her because you'll still love her for who and what she is and what she might become.

All meat, Sizzling, without the cucumber, cut the onions, no garlic sauce, with garlic sauce, more garlic sauce and chili sauce.

It's still her. You'll take her for everything that she is and is not

Parang shawarma.

Rain fell at 2:26 am

**11*09**

Death to Smoochy

I remember watching this with her...and just this afternoon while I was
busy preparing for Law School...I saw it being played on HBO.
so I found myself watching it again...I really don't know myself anymore
and I was wondering as I was watching it. why the hell am I watching this film
it wasn't that bad.. but it made me feel bad again... with the world
the real world says Johnny De Vito... Nothing is real...
Sometimes even if you wanna make a difference in the world and you wanna
do good... There will always be people who's gonna want to drag you down.
If you can't change the world make a dent...
all my pain, anger I'll let it out with one big howl...

so it wasn't that bad after all...

Rain fell at 8:10 pm

Everyone can be a friend but not everyone can stay the same.

That's why they're called your best friend.

16 years have passed, from 2 by 3 to bob cut, apple cut, under cut, trasher look, kempee hair to Hua Ze Lei look... from BMX days, ,jeep commute, to Jeff's jet car to CRV at kotse ni erpat na di ko naman magamit... roller blades... table tennis, basketball... from Cory to GMA... eto pa din kame... best friends... Jeff , Henry & Jay. Epoy, Islaw & Mokong. Mark, Jomari and Eric, The Guwapings ng Diamond, whatever you want to call us it's still us. The 3 of us... best friends...

Tagal na no?

The test of friendship comes at the lowest point in your life, just when everything has gone straight to the earth's crust, or you got cramps when you tried swimming across Mariana's trench and you thought you're going down to its dark depths... Someone will grab you by your hand and pull you through.

They may not know it. But I've always been thankful for them.

We all grew up in a small village, yeah and I mean small that's why everyone knows everyone. We used to go out and hear bystanders say "oy Guwapings!, maghiwa-hiwalay na kayo!" we knew they were teasing us yet sometimes it gets on my nerve and there was one time that it did and I almost got into a fight but when Henry saw that my opponent was too big for me to handle he came to my rescue and gave the guy a karate lesson he wouldn't forget.Sayonachi (sa'yo na chinelas ko) style, with matching find my slippers game.

Yeah, Henry kicked his ass alright, but the moron gave him a scar. "kinagat lang naman sya sa hita".

Blue skies, dark skies. It seems like I'm never ever going to have blue skies over me... Rain clouds are here to stay... yet every time I get caught in the rain, I know they'll always be there at pwedeng hiraman ng payong.

Rain fell at 5:00 pm

**11*09**

Jeff and I had a chat the other night, over a bottle of beer and red wine. And I said maybe someone had cast a spell or a curse on us. Like we'll never ever gonna find a good relationship. He just shrugged and said maybe we just haven't found the right one yet.

Jeff has been around since Day 1 of my dark skies, and the many dark skies I've gone through. Sometimes people are blessed with things but are too busy whining over things they've lost that they fail to notice the wonderful things that were left.

I don't know if I made sense. But I'm just glad they're around.

Hey Bitoy! I seem to have forgotten Brian but God knows I'm really thankful for this heavyweight friendship you've given me. Thanks for bein' around!

**11*09**

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night
While you're awake
Are you calling out my name?
Do you ever reminisce?
I can't believe I'm acting like this...
I know it's crazy...
How I still can feel your kiss...

...

...I miss you...

Rain fell at 5:27 pm

**11*09**

Thanks for the posts...

Sorry, I don't have enough time to make a nice zonkboard

or should I say, I haven't figured that out...

Thanks to Jonathan for the infos...

Keep posting and please paint your name...

Hope you'll all have blue skies!... :-)

Rain fell at 7:31 pm

**11*09**

Shattered Like
RiverMaya

You're the night
In my days
That I fight to keep from coming
You're the light
When I pray
That I fear
I tried to tame you
I tried to open your mind
I tried to save you
You said its just a waste of time
'Cause you were meant to explode one day
'Cause you were built that way
Yeah you were built that way



I delight
In my pain
And I'm shattered like your promises
Though I try
To be sane
I'm just shattered like
Shattered like your promises


Heard you've been drinkin'
Heard you've been messin' up your life
like you did mine
Not long ago
That's food for ego
That's food for motherfuckin' ego
Like I need it still
And while the record company awaits
A killer song I say:
"Tough luck!"
'Cause I'm too crazy
And I'm too weak
And I'm too busy
Remembrin' how to smile
And how to be happy

...this song chrashes me
I have to get it out of my head...

rain fell at 7:50 pm

I missed a post yesterday...

and I felt bad...

That's the problem with me,

I get attached to things too quickly

It's like my day wouldn't be complete

if I couldn't scream my pain...

Am I losing my mind?

**11*09**

Papa's birthday today

62 na sana siya ngayon

I miss him... at first I didn't

think we'd go along well

but it turned out

in the end that he wants

me for his daughter...

Parang nawalan ako ng kakampi

He told me he knew how much

I love his daughter, how much I love her...

I remember him saying

"alagaan mo si eyen... gusto ko sanang

makita na maayos na kayo pero hindi ko na kaya"

He died a day after...

Happy Birthday Papa!

I'll always remember you...

**11*09**

I wish the promise

still remains

whatever we talked about

that night

it's what keeps me going

why I struggle to survive

I breathe for November...

Sana bukas na yon


**11*09**

This song keeps playing in my head, Sometimes even if I don't
wanna sing it, I find myself in the middle of it's lines...
This song is for her...

Shiver
(coldplay)

So I looked in your direction,
But you paid me no attention, do you.
I know you don't listen to me.
'cause you say you see straight me, don't you.

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?
Yeah I change for good.
And I want you to know.
But you always get your way,
I wanted to say,

[Chorus]

Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver
I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need ya,
But you never even see me, do you?
And this is my final chance of getting you.

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?
Yeah I change for good.
And I want you to know.
But you always get your way,
I wanted to say,


[Chorus]

Sing it loud and clear.
I'll always be waiting for you. [x3]
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you,.

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even seen me.

Rain fell at 4:57 pm

August 21, 2003

Welcome to the world of Bloggers!

It's not like they've (old bloggers, legends, pioneers, mga beterano sa mundo ng blog...) thrown me a welcome party or stormed me with emails telling me how pleased they are that I've joined their world. Maybe I’m just happy... I don't know why. I'm not even sure if I'm happy, that feeling has long been alien to me... I just found a sense of comfort knowing that I could air my thoughts this way... but then again I don't know why...

My first time with a blogspot was an accident. I was searching google and it brought me to this site... loss of innocence, illusions of permanence and I found myself reading other people's thoughts. Whoever that was, I really liked the posts, especially the blanked article. And then the net introduced me to Pammy? a.k.a. Nocturnal angel and I had a good time reading her entries... I found her witty and I think she's cool. You should go visit her sometimes.

Yesterday was a blur, I kept on sleeping and I wanted to drag her out of my mind... and I just blurted it out... I'm not sure if I made any sense. I'm depressed and I have to find a way...

Be with me?...

**11*09**

August 21 1983... 20 years later... a crime left unsolved... a country still in chaos... death, the price of democracy... was it worth it?

He thought so...

Today I mourn...

Today I remember...

Ninoy.

God help us all.

**11*09**

I went to Papa's resting place today... South Cemetery...

I'm sorry I couldn't be there on your birthday... baka kse maabutan nya ako dun

It was really hard seein' the streets I used to walk with her... but

was kinda hoping I'd see her dun sa street nila nakatayo, nag-aabang ng tricycle

Im not sure what I would do... but I know I'll miss her even more.

Advance Happy Birthday Papa! I really want to keep my promise

that I'd always be there for her... Help me pray to God

to bring her back to me...

...+Rest in Peace+...

Rain fell at 8:42 pm

August 20, 2003

Alone again...

I used to like being alone, when I was a growing up I'd delight on the thought that Id be left alone in our house. I could play Family computer, play loud music and Id sing my heart out... I could even watch porn and I enjoyed it.

Now I'm alone. I'm alone and I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder why some people can stand being alone. They live on with their lives and go home to an empty house, a couch, a TV, a PC, a refrigerator stuck with food you surely can't consume by yourself. I called it empty because they are just there with no one to tend to until you come home.

But there is nothing wrong with that, we call them spinsters, bachelors "matandang dalaga" or "matandang binata" or so we say in Filipino. And yes they live on and they die alone.

So why should I hate being alone? Would life be more fulfilling if it is shared with someone? And less lived if you went through it alone?

I don't know... All I know is that I was happy when I had you... even if it meant being hurled with harsh words, even if it meant holding a cold hand. I was happy knowing that you were around. And that is all that matters.

And so I ask, Is it just the fear of being alone that drives us to be with someone? I guess not. If I can live without you it doesn't mean I have to live without someone else. But that's still not it, because no matter how many someone else I'm going to be with. It's still you that I would go looking for.

I guess it's not always a choice, being alone. Some people chose to be with themselves because they lost that someone they want to be with or perhaps they didn't find anyone.

At least I found you.

Rain fell at 4:57 pm