Blast from the past 2

Last Dec. 25, Me and my high school friends had our Christmas party, it's the first time that I joined them, I had this nauseaus feeling that I couldn't explain. I was so eager to see them and somehow the spirit of the season gave a me a mixture of feelings that I couldn't quite contain.

But I knew I was happy and excited. ;)

We just came from Cavite, my mom and dad wanted to postpone our trip back to Manila but I insisted to go because of our little get together. And I don't regret a second of it.

These are the the friends that I left when I got kicked out in high school, the same reason why it was so hard for me to leave that school. If there's one thing that I treasure most from high school, it's them.

TENOS. all 10 of them girls.

It's a little sad to see that there's only 3 of them left at the party, Mei had to leave for their family reunion, Jay2 couldn't make it because she's in Bulacan, Jian and Karen are out of the country, I don't know where the others were, but I knew and felt they were sad and missing them.

Anyway, I still had fun, and I'm happy to see that Alou now has a family of her own, it felt odd in many ways but to see her happy with her husband and her smart little daughter gave me a feeling of relief.

I missed them, that I could tell especially Ikoy, my baby ikoy, my little sis, I miss talking to her and tell her just about anything ;) and Esang still never fails to tickle my brains.

For the most part I could say, that I was happy... that even though it has been a long time since I since saw and actually spent time with them they still hold that special place in my heart. A place only they could fill.

Merry Christmas!

here are some pics from the party...




that' s me and Ikoy






Si Esang na di pa din kumukupas ang nakakahawang tawa



Si Esang ako at si Alou

Jesus

My dad was born on Christmas day.

And his name is Jesus.
Jesus Allauigan Beltran.
Jess to his friends and relatives, Daddy for me and my sister.

I guess it was mere coincidence that his parents named him after Christ or because he was born on Christmas day, But I sometimes feel that I got Jesus Christ for my father. :)

He seldom gets mad and if he does that would mean you've done really something wrong, like Christ he gets mad for reasonable reasons.

He is kind and gentle and if he ever scolds us he does it in a kind manner.

Growing up, I never really got the chance to spend quality time with him, he is a workaholic but that's because he tries to make ends meet for us.

My dad and I aren't really close, guess it's because he is always at work, but I remember one time we watched a James Bond Movie (Tomorrow Never Dies) and it felt really good.

I sometimes wish that I got to play with him, he loves basketball just like I do, He is a die-hard Ginebra fan, and a Lakers fan just like me. There was a time when I felt that if there was one thing that was missing from my childhood is that I had no memory of playing with him. But I understand that now.

Every day, and every morning he calls to check on us, at noon after my mom arrives from school he calls to check on her too.

Him and my mom are extremes, but they hardly ever get into fights, lately I've noticed that his quiet demeanor has changed, perhaps because he is growing a little too tired from work, and I heard that they've been having problems with their company. He works in a business newspaper and that has been our bread and butter eversince. I guess he's worried for us and that adds to the stress he gets from work.

But just the same, he is still the same dad I know, to say that my dad is kind would be an understatement. He is not perfect and though he has his shortcomings that doesn't make him less of a person that he is to me.

Compassionate, patient, a loyal husband, an understanding father, what more can I say.

I may not say it much but I am so proud to have you as my father... (I just wish you got a little more creative in naming me, not just settling for initials of your first names, but that's a minor flaw.) everyone can say they're lucky to have a father but I feel a thousand times luckier than they are.

I love you daddy! Happy Birthday!!!

Ain't enough


It ain't enough...

It's not enough that I care for you, you will always long for something more.
It's not enough that you make me feel loved, I still might make you feel inadequate from time to time.
It's not enough that I give you roses, you will long for tulips and daffodils tomorrow.
It's not enough that you gave me your body, I will long for your soul because I would want to make you mine completely...
There will always be fights about shortcomings, things I didn't do, things I overdid.

But its enough that I have you,
It's enough that I am yours...

Mourn

Today I mourn, weep and crawl
my way out of the misery
that I may never get away from;
Trapped in a daze
Confused in a maze
of feelings unending...

Release me from the pain
that is not mine to claim

Today I mourn,
tomorrow I succumb
to the sadness
of living without breathing.

When words aren't enough


Chaos, confusion, apprehension.

If I cannot find my soul and desperately search for it, what would be the meaning of all this?
I breathe and go through a day of cloudy skies only to realize I did not have the wisdom to be ready for the rain.

The dark has filled the void, and I, motionless,fell to my back staring blankly at the emptiness, that hollow feeling has got its grip on me again.

I do not know where I'm going, all I know is that I'm heading somewhere, I am tired of waking up each morning in my bed though I know I'm glad that I'm still alive.

You came, you shone a light, you breathe life into me, you painted smiles on my face.

Will it be you that I live for? or will it be you that I die for?

Raindrops are falling again.

Never


One thing about the word never is to never say you'll never...
I told myself that I'll never go back here, that I will never post anything here but here I am now...
But that was a choice that I had to make, because I could have posted this thoughts on my other blog but then again, I told myself that I will never post sad thoughts on that site...
My blue skies,
Do you know how important that is to me?
Blue skies


I'm in the dark again...


Rain fell at 9:29 am

For Papa


Love and prayers I send to you wherever you are now.
I pray that this may reach you and that you know that I remember.
I'm sorry if that I couldn't take care of her now, it was a choice she had to make, we had to make, and I know that you understand that it will all be for the best.
The memories I have of you will always remain in my heart.
I'm glad that I was a part of your final hours here on earth. No regrets.
And I know that you're watching over her now, and that you're saying your prayers for her too.


Happy Birthday Papa!


May God welcome you to His shining light and care!


Eternal Rest be given to your soul...

1st birthday!!!

Time flies really fast, its been a year now since I stumbled upon a blog which inspired me to create my own, write down my thoughts... It was a tough ride, that one year. But that one year would be one of the defining phases of my life I guess. And I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that I came upon this world, I'm grateful that I knew pain and how to deal with it... Thank you blogger!

A year later, 119 posts after (excluding this post), over 2 months of leaving yesterday behind and not writing anything here. I came back to face my past again, it doesnt hurt anymore, I guess time heals all wounds. The void has been filled anew and I see life in a more hopeful view. I guess I found myself here again because I feel that I owe something to my dark skies, without darkness, I can never appreciate the beauty of my blue skies... the colors that light up my world now are ever more radiant, rain will fall and will subside... and there will be rainbows to color the skies...

And to you my fellow bloggers, Thank you! for the times you checked on me, for the tags, for the comments. For exhanging links, although some of you have already changed or completely erased me in your links, thank you for your time and for the friendship. Its something that I will always cherish. Also, thank you for nominating this blog at the Philippine Blog Awards.

Just seeing my url there gives me the shivers!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I hope that you will still continue to visit my new blog...

Happy Birthday to my blog!!!

Leaving yesterday behind

Baby and me, May 2002

For so many months this was my site, my spot... my voice was heard right here...
my pitiful cries, my helpless pleas...

and now I'm leaving.

All the memories I've left behind, I'm leaving it all to you.

This is my lasting gift for you... my love.

Every moment that I spent with you, I'm gonna cherish it forever.

You have become a part of me, What I am now, What I've become, the things I've learned some of it I owe to you.

I want to thank you for your love, and I would forever be grateful for the things we shared.

Our love, each little piece of our time together, I'll hold it close to my heart.

I wish you well, My Baby!

I'm moving on, I'm happy now.

And I wish you'll find your happiness too.

++_ _+_ _++

I must admit I feel a little sad leaving this spot, this spot that has been my home in the internet universe...

but I'm just moving on, I'm moving on to a new site... new address...

I'm hoping you'll still follow me there, for all you wonderful people who made me one of their daily reads back when I was the blog addict who writes almost everyday, I hope I'll see your name on my tagboard.

:: y a j ::


thats @ http://paintmyskiesblue.blogspot.com

See you there!!!

++_ _+_ _++

LEAVING YESTERDAY BEHIND
Keno

Since you left me, I never really tried
To put my life to where it should belong
And I've always let the past gone by
I'm realizing that it could be wrong

But now I fin'lly knew
I had to let it go
To make way for a brighter tomorrow

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before

Since I know that I never will forget
The memories that made my yesterday
I will try not to let it interfere
The choices I will make along the way


'Cause I'm not livin' in a world of fantasy
I'm here now in the world of reality


So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before

So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
Just the way I did before

rain fell and washed away my tears at 10:56 am

Usapang Kalye 3


One afternoon, after we played basketball and we were enjoying RC Cola...


[Makoy] Bwisit talaga yang bata na yan.
[Jhe] Sino?[Makoy] Yan si Mico
[Mokong] Bakit naman?
[Makoy] Napakabastos e, namamakyu! (meaning, the kid was giving him the finger)
[Mokong] e talaga lang bastusin ka siguro, bakit naman kame hinde pina-fuck you-han nyan
[Makoy] Batukan ko kaya?
[Jhe] Gago ka ba? E kung magsumbong yan kay Mang Dante?!?(Mang Dante is Mico's father, a retired AFP soldier)
[Mokong] Dating sundalo yun, baka kala mo, me baril pa yun
[Makoy] E di sasabihin ko " namamakyu yung anak mo e, e kung ikaw kaya Fuck you-han ko, di mo ako babatukan? "
[Mokong] e kung sagutin ka, "Hinde, kse babarilin kita!"
[Makoy] sasabihin ko " e di hinde ko kayo papakyuhan..."


I dont know about you, but I laughed with that exchange of wit, if you may call it wit or just plain humor. But seriously, I wondered how much fear we have for our lives at gunpoint. Why in the world would we humans think about creating something that would destroy life. I don't buy the idea of self preservation, I think its more of being able to control others, of having the power or dominance over another. We live in a world where everybody wants to be king.

I think this world needs to get rid of all things that are meant to destroy and not to preserve... Nukes, guns, weapons of mass destruction and everything that was invented that life itself is against of... Just like Makoy who fears nothing except a gun being pointed to his face. We all need to feel safe with others no matter how big their fingers are.


yaj gazed the stars at 2:39 pm

never last

There is no lasting happiness.

Not in this world.

One moment you find yourself dancing in glee while singin' in the rain and the next day you got yourself an aching back and a sore throat.

Some good things never last. they never will.

Sometimes I wish I could just get stucked in time, seize and freeze the moments I wore a smile on my face and felt real happy inside.

Sometimes I wish I never knew what it's like to feel happy so I wouln't go looking for it when it has left and flown away.

No matter how hard you try to free yourself from all the world's anxieties it will always have a way of catching up on you.

All these shall come to pass.

Including happiness.

rain fell at 1:24 pm

Trust

I'm in some sort of a writing slump right now, I have been constantly playing with the letters and the backspace key since yesterday, I must have been really worn out. All the writings I've been doing the past few months might have drained me out. and here I am still tryin' to make up words, make up for the lost time. Lost time in the blogworld. I hope somehow I'll come up with something worth reading.

I guess I'll just talk about the word "trust" right now.
Every relationship, or should I say any kind of human relationship would require this simple intangble thing. Not many of us can freely or easily give it, Its something you have to work on, it's something you have to earn. I myself have been in lots of trouble by trusting and not trusting people. Either way I get hurt and I find myself asking " to trust " or " not to trust ".

I guess you'd sense the anger and the frustration as you read on, probably you're wondering what am I leading to, what do I really wanna say, No, don't expect me to be able to weave catchy lines, I'm too enraged for that now.

It just so happened that the person whom I trusted so much ran away with our youth organizations fund, took off with the basketball players money and left me with a reputation of being an irresponsible youth org's president.

I used to admire him for his tireless dedication, and hardwork, little did I know of his real motives.

We found a copy of the draft of the financial statement that he made and compared it with the ones he submitted to us. and oh my, you'd be surprised with the discrepancies.

I wonder how he sleeps at night.

And that guy with a hairlip, "ngongo" to use our mother tongue, have been wanting all his life to be the recipient of a model youth award.

I wish you sleepless nights, and another hole in your nostrils

rain fell at 3:11 pm

She sent me this via email yesterday... I'm pretty sure it's something you'll all think about... The one that got away...

Read this...
The one that got away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal


In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with whom, everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cardsjust didn't fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.


If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.


But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

***

I've read your *latest blog yesterday...it was good! I was touched. I'd like to think that it is never too late... I don't know yet if you really did get away or will get away. I will always have hope in my heart and I hope that you do too... Hey...I'm going to Boracay, wish me a happy trip there! Gonna stay there for 4 days.Ü

I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Wish you happiness... wish you a happy trip...

(*latest blog= One and gone article)
(text in bold italics= that's her, talkin' to me.)

rain fell at 1:02 am

One and... Gone

Our eyes met, we held that gaze for a while, one moment that could last forever.
Our lips followed, savouring the feel of our tongues together, not wanting to part ever.
I held your bosom as I gently bid goodbye to your lips and adore your neck, down to your throat.
The touch of your smooth skin, the feel of your body next to mine. Oh how could I resist your love?
I paced slowly, kissed your entire being, memorizing every inch of you.
I felt your warmth, your kiss, your touch, it's you saying I want you, I love you... I want you now...
I slid down, felt the heaven in you... heaven in us...
We were one...
We danced to the rhythm our bodies made.
Souls on fire.
One moment that seemed like eternity.
Our kisses grew more passionately now more than ever we felt in union, in love.
and that spur of a moment, that glimpse of heaven, you whispered... I love you...

I love you back...

We slept in each other's arms, cradled with love never ending.

And I'll wake up alone, you left.

and I'm left chasing the dream...

rain fell at 12:09 pm

...

I spoke to her last night, it still feels weird talkin' to someone who at one point in your life became your life and for all it's meaning, still is...
I miss her. for the nth time I've written it down, screamed it in my mind with the hope that it would reach her. Now she's hearing it from me but its not gonna mean anything anymore.
Because I'm with someone else now, someone probably more deserving than her.
and so is she.
She asks me, " Do you feel that I still love you? "
I couldn't make a word out of it and just say " I guess so..."
and she blurts out, "The feeling is still there, but I don't want to be with you, not now... "
" ... that's why I still can't get myself to commit with him, not until I'm over you... "
" Perhaps someday we'll meet again and when we feel that we still love each other, and the need is still there, we'll be together again. "

Yeah, someday.

I'll stop asking why we can't be together even though we both know how much we still ache for each other.
I'll stop breathing your name, I won't be kissing you in my dreams anymore.

Because you'll be here.

someday.

rain fell at 11:28 pm

Thank you

Thank you for the love you gave me;
and its memories that faded along with it...

Thank you for the kisses we shared;
and the nights I spent tryin' to erase it from
my mind

Thank you for your warm embrace;
and that sad feeling of holding myself alone...

Thank you for the touch of your hand;
and for making me realize how sweaty my palm could be

Thank you for the times we made love;
for the times we were one;
and for emptying the void in me.

Thank you for walking out the door
and for leaving it open

for love to come again...

rain fell at 11:56 pm

Usapang kalye 2

Makoy: May bago na namang nadagdag sa bokabularyo nitong si Den-den tol
Mokong: Ano yun?
Makoy: Ano daw yung ilalagay sa Character reference pag gagawa ka ng Bio-data.
Denden: E di ano, Tall, dark and handsome. Tama naman di ba?
Mokong: Ano daw? ( in a funny, mocking tone)
Makoy: Tanga!, mali yun. Ang character reference yun yung gulay o prutas o kaya hayop na gustong kainin ng nanay mo nung buntis sya sa iyo. Yun yung kung saan ka ipinaglihi, kaya ka nagkaganyan.
Mokong: Hinde! Character reference, yun yung parang bibliography pag gagawa ka ng term paper. Halimbawa, mahilig ka sa Cartoons kaya cartoons ka din mag-isip, o kaya mahilig ka sa basketbol, dahil mahilig ka magbasa tungkol sa NBA.
Makoy: Ay tama, pinakasafe na sagot dyan, Bible para masabi nila na mabait ka.
Denden: Mali pala yung sinagot namin ni Mike, siya nilagay niya slim, saka tall.

Malamang.

Don't worry after pulled the nonsense crap, I explained to him what Character Reference really was.

:)

[fyi: mokong is yaj's alter ego (not that it matters :)]

rain fell at 11:47 pm

Moving on...

From fio.

I've been wanting to post this beautiful piece but I haven't got the guts to do it back then...

Moving on, two small words I can't ease my way through...

and so I owe my inspiration to this piece...

I've had enough.

No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of. No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. And no, never will I again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on... ???

I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once you stayed. And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one woman I felt it for. I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the woman who left.

I will give my affections to any woman who is in need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give her the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least she's here, you're not.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think you. I'll just try to smile.

I am moving on... I guess, and hoping that the next thing would be letting go...

rain fell at 10:22 am

Ready now

I'm ready now,
to open my heart
once more
;to face the world
without you

I'm ready now,
to love and risk
getting hurt again
;to start my life
anew

I'm ready now,
to leave your
memories behind
;to look back
and smile...

Because I know in
my heart I gave it all
for you...
And I can give it all
again.

The dreams we dreamt
won't die nor will it
fade with our love
but will live on,
as long as there is
you and me.

I'm ready now,
to love and let go
to dream and believe
in love again.
to live my life
without you

++_ _+_ _++

This song is for her... every word, every line I sing for her...

In my life
Lennon-McCartney

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

rain fell at 11:58 am

I dig this song, This was one of the winners of the Himig Handog Love Songs contest Written by Ted Reyes & Jeff Antiporda and interpreted by none other than Rico Blanco... I really like this song, I've just finished downloading this song and it's still playing in my head...

Sing with me...

Bye Bye Na

Eto na ang gabi
na ikaw ay aalis
at iiwan mo ako

Sa lahat ng gabi
Ito ang ayaw dumating
sana ay umaga na

Tatawagan mo pa rin ba 'ko
Susulatan mo pa ba ako
Tayo parin ba 'ng dawala
Kahit... na

Bye bye na
aalis ka na
Bye bye na rin ba
sa ating alaala

Meron kang makikita
mas higit pa sa akin
pag ika'y malayo na

Wag mong lilimutin na narito lang ako
hawak ang larawan mo

so long...?

++_ _+ _ _++

It takes time to heal...
Takes time to gather strength...
to face and look up at the sky at the world...

It would take time to be whole again...

rain fell at 1:22 am