For Jaden

October 25, 2008

3:38 pm

Dearest Jaden,

I’m right here outside the Operating Room where your mom was taken, more than an hour and a half ago. Im scared. Im scared for you and your mom. I wanted so much to be there by your mom’s side. So I could at least hold her hand. I know she’s scared too, but I can see how she’s trying to hide it, not because she doesn’t want me to see her real feelings but because she wants to be brave. She’ll be brave for you.

In a few hours, you’ll be here. I don’t know how long will it take for the doctors or the nurses allow me to see you but I sure am excited. I want to see you come out safe, I want to see your mom and hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. I love you both you and your mom, more than anything else in this world.

If I could trade places with your mom, I would, I don’t want to see her in pain, but that’s not possible. So all I can do is sit here and wait, and pray that you’ll both come out alright. Nothing can ease my fears right now but the sight of you and your mom. There are a thousand feelings I can’t even begin to describe right now and I wish they will all be replaced with the joy of seeing you for the first time, the relief of seeing your mom open her eyes and look for her son, our son.

She will be fine, you will be fine, she’ll look at you and her tired body will feel as though she never went under the knife. I will see her face light up once she sees you. And I will be standing there watching you both, eager to let your mom hold you for the very first time. This is all I hope for, and all I pray for.

I’ll be seeing you in a while. :)

Love,

Daddy

Independent Asian Music TV

The biggest gathering of indie band performance in the country!


And also the opening of the newest international music channel

INDEPENDENT ASIAN MUSIC TV



With performances from foreign indie bands including

the two very fist Filipino Indie Band to rock with the foreign bands

AIRPORT DRAMA and MOON SIREN



With special live performances from


Killer Kamatis
Pseudonym
Tabass
Tanya Markova
Carpe Diem
Codename Adobo
Pentaspiral

This will be held @ Hard Rock Café, Makati (near Glorietta 3)

October 30,2008 @ 7:00PM

Entrance Fee @ PHP400



PLEASE SUPPORT THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME SPECIAL EVENT AND SUPPORT FILIPINO INDIE MUSIC



brought to you by

MUSIC ZONE ENTERTAINMENT

You are here

People are born, we grow up, we'll have our first set of teeth and lose it for the permanent ones, and we will probably lose one or two if we dont care enough for them. We'll go to school, enter into relationships, and, lets cut to the chase, we''ll all grow old. We will either live to become Michael Phelps, or we will sink into mediocrity and become a bitter version of a lifeless dream. Our lives are defined by our constant struggle towards a vision we created. What happens next is up to us, and fate cannot be blamed for what happens neither does circumstance have a share of the consequence. Its either you make or break. Its your call.

Yet with all the uncertainty that taints the clarity of what we aspire to become, we remain unnerved. We fight for every step we take, we gamble with every breath and take the risk of enhaling fumes that are harmful even for the harmless. Lets face it. We are here, You are here. And again, that old cliche, Make the most of what we have, Seize the day! Carpe Diem. We need all the inspiration we can get from people who have gone ahead of us. Take their advice. Take the bold step. Become what you aspire to be. Never be afraid to fight for what you believe, because in the end, nothing really matters. We will all die anyway, but I would rather fight for something I firmly believe in than die for a lie. Or die without trying to see the light.

Believe in your dream. Believe in goodness. For that is all we can cling to, no matter how dark the world turned out to be and will become in the future that is the only hope we have left. The world has become a crazy place, but you are sane. You are still sane.

You are here.

Waiting

My dearest one,

Its not gonna take too long before I finally see your face, before I can touch your hands and I can't wait to feel your fingers around mine. A tight grip as if to say, Im here, I am finally here.

I am excited to see you, I want to hold you and feel your body close to my chest, close to my heart. The warmth of my embrace will keep you safe, will make you feel loved.

She's going to be very exhausted, your mom. But at the sight of you, all her pain from the previous hour or so will gently be eased away. Her tired body will heal in an urgent sense of relief. You are the one we've been waiting for.

And you will be here.

I can't wait to see your first smile, the first time you open your eyes and see us. You are our love. And though I know you'll never have a recollection of that instant. That one single moment will live in my memories until the day I die.

I can't wait to hear your first word, or perhaps the first syllable you will ever utter, it will be like music. Far better than Mozart or Beethoven or the Beatles, no, not even close.

Your first step, your first fall, the first time you'll ride a bike, I can wait to see and watch you grow.

I love you Jaden! I love you my son.

Mommy and Daddy are waiting for you...

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)
John Lennon

Close your eyes,

Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,


Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,


Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime...

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,


Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,


Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.

John Lennon wrote this song for his son Sean Lennon, now Im singing this to my son, Jaden. I love you so much!

Sept 16 2006

Today, I look forward to meeting you, to get a chance to know you. And for the first time in the 8 years I've known you, I'll finally get to hear what's on your mind.
It may not be that grand, I may not be able to get you to share your whole life, you'll have your reservations as I will have mine. Because after all, this is the first time I'll "see" you.

Our first date?

I got up and draw a smile on my face, I woke up feeling perky and all, I don my red poloshirt and head towards the terminal.

I leaned towards the glass of the commuter van I rode on my way to you and heave a nervous sigh, and I wonder, what's it going to be like? Straining to walk and dragging my bag I headed towards the entrance practicing my facial gestures all in the effort of concealing my anxiety.

I am confident as I am insecure. What if she gets turned off? What If I dont win her?

I have to win her...

Struggling to keep my composure, I decide to change my outfit, I have to wear my best shirt, I have to be irresistible.

And there you were, sitting in a coffee shop with a book in hand. I slowly walked towards you.

That first smile, first gesture to walk with me, first word exchange.

Oh how I still cherish that moment...

A band loudly plays their music, we pause to watch them and then I say "let's walk"

And so we left, we rode a jeep and decided to walk, in a desperate move to set the romantic mood, I tried to hold your hand... The first time I held your hand.

Who would've thought that 2 years after, you'll be walking down the aisle towards me to say I do? that you and I will share life that all started with that "walk" that a life will start and we'll soon wait for our boy to walk?

Two years after, the memory lingers but is gradually fading as we both age, soon a long stare to our past is as good as a faint glimpse, but we both know we still have a lifetime to share and build memories for.

September 16, 2006, our day at SM Manila, and the then glorious Baywalk.

Happy 1st date Anniversary!

I love you!

Eraserheads Reunited

I always thought it was possible, and after so many years, it finally happened!

I always prayed that people will still get the chance to see them, onstage singing their hits, unlike the Beatles who never got the chance to play again because John Lennon got shot, it would be a gift for this new generation of music lovers to see them play and so it did.

Even if it was cut short because of that incident with Ely Buendia, it was still worth it.

Too bad I relied so much on the Red list ticket thing. I wasn't able to come. But seeing it happen, even just reading articles is enough for me to be thankful.

Thank you Eraserheads! Thank you for your music!

Sunset

He remembers it clearly. As if it happened just a while ago, every second of it, like a vivid lucid dream, the smell of the air, the grasses beneath his feet. that one moment of tranquility brought by that heavenly vision. The sunset.

And to his right, with her hand in his, the woman he loves, they share that perfect scene that could have lasted forever. She leans over and kisses him. He smiles, whispers a short prayer and tells her " I love you..." In his heart he prays that none of it would end, their love would endure all odds, and if God permits, the sunset.

But no. That's the beauty of the sunset, it has to end. The cycle must go on. The sun rises, gradually spreads and fills the earth with light, at noon, it burns ever more radiant like everything it touches would burn into a cinder, then it slowly calms down. The fire rages and surges and we are deceived. Watching it from afar, we see it die out and claimed by the night, captured and enslaved by the dark, but its flame... it lingers on.

Hands clasped together, he silently prays that like the sunset they are watching, their love wont die out, just as the sun rises and sets it will always be rekindled by fire, a million tomorrows, a thousand and times more goodbyes to each day that passes, that vision of forever will live with them.

The blue sky breaks into an orange outburst, almost like crimson. God's own hand colors it blue, violet, red orange, electric sky shimmers with light. A dazzling display of colors, the beauty and wonder of the heavens before them, serene, eternal.

They fall into a tight embrace, now he kisses her, their eyes speaks only what the heart could comprehend.

She keeps her promise.

To watch a million sunsets with him.

(photo taken by the author in Bicol March 23 2007)

Finding Ms. Carol Vessey

You search and you wonder, will there ever be that someone, who will make you feel so strongly in love, like you could do most everything to make that person yours. Something as ridiculously romantic as wearing a knight's armour to offer flowers for that truly special girl.

You thought that it's never goin to happen, and yet the many failed relationships you've had didn't stop you, too many a time you thought that was it, the sparks were flying, the color of the world around you are ever more radiant, you wake every morning with the sun smiling at you, only to find yourself waking up in the middle of a bad dream trapped in a storm and there's no one there, you find yourself freezing in the cold alone.

You wander, cross paths and collide with fate while destiny has eluded you. You are trapped in a TV show desperately wanting to be the leading man, envious of the fact that a fictional character has someone, that someone, Ms. Carol Vessey. A girl who could make you do things like hire a skywriter, shoot a fake MTV of a love song, ride a horse to church and stop a wedding. You want to be Ed Stevens, the bowling alley lawyer who'd do everything for the girl of his dreams.

You are not in love with Carol. You are looking for that someone who will make you feel the way Ed feels for Carol.



Snap out of it.

Reality will always have a way to get its grip on you.

And this time you can wipe that frown off your face.

She's been there all along. The girl of your dreams. That girl in school you've always thought was a knock out, smart and witty. The one you constantly annoyed because that's how you are when you like someone. You thought that would get her attention and in some twisted way you thought that was cute.

You have found that person who makes your heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

Someone who promises to watch a million sunsets with you. Someone you'll fall deeply in love with.

You found your Carol Vessey.

[photos from stuckeyville.com from the Ed TVseries starring Tom Cavanagh and Julie Bowen]

Lost

I lost my favorite shirt. :(

If anyone has seen it lying on the road, or sitting on a chair somewhere. I'd be more than happy to give you a reward.

A million thanks, a thank you card, and a hug can be arranged. I will be forever grateful to you, indebted like a pig to a spider. I'll be your slave for a week. Just give me back my shirt! Please.

The first time I saw it, I knew we were made for each other, we had a special connection. Like bonnie and clyde, jeckyl and hyde, susie and geno, Kuya Bodjie and Ate Shenna. Crispin at Basilio (now, where did that came from?) I felt like I was home when I wore it, it embraced me, savoured every sweat I had, and I bought it for just a hundred bucks.

Now it's gone.

Here is the last known photograph of the famed black longsleeves I call Banjo.



Mommy: Burara ka kse kung san' san mo siguro nilalagay!!
Jaymie: San mo ba huling sinuot yun?
Mary: Kuya Jay, wala sa'kin
Erwin: ha? ano?!

Me: Bakit di ka man lang nagsabi, sana nagpakuha muna ako ng picture na suot ka... Iiwan mo din pala ako..

Angel Locsin: Sayang ang cute mo pa naman pag suot mo yun...


Im losing my mind.

Love and Hope

You give meaning to my life, new dreams, new hope. I wish you will stay for good, I wish you will find your home with me. I pray that I can hold on to you forever, never let go. And you will say there's no turning back. "I am yours, and yours alone".

We may have different views on certain things, we'll have different priorities, yet I hope and pray that we'll walk together towards the same direction. We'll have fights, battles, disagreements but know that it's because we're two different persons and I have faith that we were bound to be together when our paths crossed.

I choose to love and accept you for who you are, you are part of my life now, part of who I am. Lend me your hand and I swear I'll keep holding on to it, I'll be with you every step of the way.

Courage, faith, trust.

Love and hope.

That is what you are to me.

A new dawn is breaking at 11: 24 pm

Plastics

The one thing that I hate most are people who talk behind your back. These are people who greets you with the sweetest and sincerest smile and growls silently like the Tasmanian Devil on a leash when you walk out the room. They are most commonly known as "Plastik" (plastic) in our lingo. They are the kindest, and holiest persons who'll walk the earth, when everyone is looking. I cannot think of a more appropriate way of describing the very thing that ticks me off in this world. Even though I myself can sometimes give in to the lure of creativity that this skill in interacting with other human beings has to offer. Hiding the disgust for plastics is a treacherous if not an impossible task.

The world is full of dishonest people. That's a fact, a basic truth we can never get away from. They are masters of the craft of lying, acting and hiding what they really feel towards another human being. They are pious, humble and conservative. They regularly go to mass, some even serve the church. But in their own right, they have perfected the art of ridiculing and judging people, they are unpleasant, proud and have no respect for moral standards our society has set.

A typical example would be a friend of mine, itago natin sya sa pangalang Jalhamar Ranjeet Kadafi Ramaputri (not his real name). [His photo appears below] We were friends and bandmates for quite some time. Though we weren't that close, I feel that I have treated him fairly, I may have some shortcomings as a friend and a band leader but I think I did what I could, you see the problem was his poor guitar skills everyone in the band complained about his inadequacy when it comes to practicing his skills. We even got him a tutor but he didn't give enough time for it. So we had to make a decision, a decision that was made by the group and not just me.

But I ended up being the evil one.

The evil one who convinced the rest of the band to kick him out. (nice one, why don't you try getting a stint with S-files or Startalk? bravo! you have a very creative mind...)

Why then would I call him a "plastic"?

The night we broke the news to him, he accepted it calmly, he even said he understood me and he knew that I was the one who was under a lot of pressure because he was my friend even before the band. He approached me gave me a pat in the back and told me "sana wala tayong samaan ng loob" He gave no indication of a grudge or hatred towards me. We even rode a pedicab together.

Only to find out later that he was furious at me for what happened to him. Stark raving mad.

He opened his feelings to our friends. And I became the shunned one. (photos of his friends below)

This piece is for people who doesn't have the balls to confront their inner selves, their worst fears and insecurities and hates the mirror images of themselves. Loathesome individuals who hides behind their cloak of goodness and morality.

For people who cannot speak the truth, who talks honey, and fires away a stink breath of flames when you turn away.

For people who speaks divine and holy, chaste and pure but goes around telling people what a lousy lay the girl last night was, how her cunt stinks.

...lastly for people like you, like everyone of us who are guilty of this deception. to practice a little honesty wouldn't hurt.

I would rather be brutally frank and honest rather than hurt somebody with a lie.

Here's the photo of the man of the year

Jalhamar Ranjeet "the Orocan one" from Bombei

(photo courtesy of Leki-leki foundation,Bombei India, makers of Shawarma perfumes)

[Masamang tao, wag tularan]

Rain fell at 12:29 am

New beginning

Of all the many celebrations we have, I think one of the best time of the year would be the way we greet January 1. The amount of preparation that we exert to make one night, one eve something to remember for the rest of our lives.

Yet it would only last for a while. The holidays would be over, living us with new clothes, new pants with empty pockets. The fridge and the freezer cold and barren. We gain a few pounds alright, but a little lighter financially.

And I ask? was it worth it? Of the many things it represents does it hold a true value, a true meaning in our lives?

I say YES in all its aspects.

The new year doesn't only mark a beginning, but it also tells us to look back at the past year, it tells us what we have become, what we are not, a year older, a lot wiser, or dumber than ever?

2006 was a roller coaster ride for me. A year that meant music for me, my life revolved around it. It saw us lose one member to another, it showed me who my friends really were. The ones who will stick with me through no matter what. The ones who will be willing to know me better.
The ones who still welcomed me with open arms inspite of all the despicable things I've done.
The one who love me for the man that I am and the man I am not.

You know who you are.

Its a time to contemplate, a time for realizations.

A time to change.

Happy New Year everyone!!!


Rain fell a 6:04 PM

Blast from the past 2

Last Dec. 25, Me and my high school friends had our Christmas party, it's the first time that I joined them, I had this nauseaus feeling that I couldn't explain. I was so eager to see them and somehow the spirit of the season gave a me a mixture of feelings that I couldn't quite contain.

But I knew I was happy and excited. ;)

We just came from Cavite, my mom and dad wanted to postpone our trip back to Manila but I insisted to go because of our little get together. And I don't regret a second of it.

These are the the friends that I left when I got kicked out in high school, the same reason why it was so hard for me to leave that school. If there's one thing that I treasure most from high school, it's them.

TENOS. all 10 of them girls.

It's a little sad to see that there's only 3 of them left at the party, Mei had to leave for their family reunion, Jay2 couldn't make it because she's in Bulacan, Jian and Karen are out of the country, I don't know where the others were, but I knew and felt they were sad and missing them.

Anyway, I still had fun, and I'm happy to see that Alou now has a family of her own, it felt odd in many ways but to see her happy with her husband and her smart little daughter gave me a feeling of relief.

I missed them, that I could tell especially Ikoy, my baby ikoy, my little sis, I miss talking to her and tell her just about anything ;) and Esang still never fails to tickle my brains.

For the most part I could say, that I was happy... that even though it has been a long time since I since saw and actually spent time with them they still hold that special place in my heart. A place only they could fill.

Merry Christmas!

here are some pics from the party...




that' s me and Ikoy






Si Esang na di pa din kumukupas ang nakakahawang tawa



Si Esang ako at si Alou

Jesus

My dad was born on Christmas day.

And his name is Jesus.
Jesus Allauigan Beltran.
Jess to his friends and relatives, Daddy for me and my sister.

I guess it was mere coincidence that his parents named him after Christ or because he was born on Christmas day, But I sometimes feel that I got Jesus Christ for my father. :)

He seldom gets mad and if he does that would mean you've done really something wrong, like Christ he gets mad for reasonable reasons.

He is kind and gentle and if he ever scolds us he does it in a kind manner.

Growing up, I never really got the chance to spend quality time with him, he is a workaholic but that's because he tries to make ends meet for us.

My dad and I aren't really close, guess it's because he is always at work, but I remember one time we watched a James Bond Movie (Tomorrow Never Dies) and it felt really good.

I sometimes wish that I got to play with him, he loves basketball just like I do, He is a die-hard Ginebra fan, and a Lakers fan just like me. There was a time when I felt that if there was one thing that was missing from my childhood is that I had no memory of playing with him. But I understand that now.

Every day, and every morning he calls to check on us, at noon after my mom arrives from school he calls to check on her too.

Him and my mom are extremes, but they hardly ever get into fights, lately I've noticed that his quiet demeanor has changed, perhaps because he is growing a little too tired from work, and I heard that they've been having problems with their company. He works in a business newspaper and that has been our bread and butter eversince. I guess he's worried for us and that adds to the stress he gets from work.

But just the same, he is still the same dad I know, to say that my dad is kind would be an understatement. He is not perfect and though he has his shortcomings that doesn't make him less of a person that he is to me.

Compassionate, patient, a loyal husband, an understanding father, what more can I say.

I may not say it much but I am so proud to have you as my father... (I just wish you got a little more creative in naming me, not just settling for initials of your first names, but that's a minor flaw.) everyone can say they're lucky to have a father but I feel a thousand times luckier than they are.

I love you daddy! Happy Birthday!!!

Ain't enough


It ain't enough...

It's not enough that I care for you, you will always long for something more.
It's not enough that you make me feel loved, I still might make you feel inadequate from time to time.
It's not enough that I give you roses, you will long for tulips and daffodils tomorrow.
It's not enough that you gave me your body, I will long for your soul because I would want to make you mine completely...
There will always be fights about shortcomings, things I didn't do, things I overdid.

But its enough that I have you,
It's enough that I am yours...

Mourn

Today I mourn, weep and crawl
my way out of the misery
that I may never get away from;
Trapped in a daze
Confused in a maze
of feelings unending...

Release me from the pain
that is not mine to claim

Today I mourn,
tomorrow I succumb
to the sadness
of living without breathing.

When words aren't enough


Chaos, confusion, apprehension.

If I cannot find my soul and desperately search for it, what would be the meaning of all this?
I breathe and go through a day of cloudy skies only to realize I did not have the wisdom to be ready for the rain.

The dark has filled the void, and I, motionless,fell to my back staring blankly at the emptiness, that hollow feeling has got its grip on me again.

I do not know where I'm going, all I know is that I'm heading somewhere, I am tired of waking up each morning in my bed though I know I'm glad that I'm still alive.

You came, you shone a light, you breathe life into me, you painted smiles on my face.

Will it be you that I live for? or will it be you that I die for?

Raindrops are falling again.

Never


One thing about the word never is to never say you'll never...
I told myself that I'll never go back here, that I will never post anything here but here I am now...
But that was a choice that I had to make, because I could have posted this thoughts on my other blog but then again, I told myself that I will never post sad thoughts on that site...
My blue skies,
Do you know how important that is to me?
Blue skies


I'm in the dark again...


Rain fell at 9:29 am

For Papa


Love and prayers I send to you wherever you are now.
I pray that this may reach you and that you know that I remember.
I'm sorry if that I couldn't take care of her now, it was a choice she had to make, we had to make, and I know that you understand that it will all be for the best.
The memories I have of you will always remain in my heart.
I'm glad that I was a part of your final hours here on earth. No regrets.
And I know that you're watching over her now, and that you're saying your prayers for her too.


Happy Birthday Papa!


May God welcome you to His shining light and care!


Eternal Rest be given to your soul...

1st birthday!!!

Time flies really fast, its been a year now since I stumbled upon a blog which inspired me to create my own, write down my thoughts... It was a tough ride, that one year. But that one year would be one of the defining phases of my life I guess. And I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that I came upon this world, I'm grateful that I knew pain and how to deal with it... Thank you blogger!

A year later, 119 posts after (excluding this post), over 2 months of leaving yesterday behind and not writing anything here. I came back to face my past again, it doesnt hurt anymore, I guess time heals all wounds. The void has been filled anew and I see life in a more hopeful view. I guess I found myself here again because I feel that I owe something to my dark skies, without darkness, I can never appreciate the beauty of my blue skies... the colors that light up my world now are ever more radiant, rain will fall and will subside... and there will be rainbows to color the skies...

And to you my fellow bloggers, Thank you! for the times you checked on me, for the tags, for the comments. For exhanging links, although some of you have already changed or completely erased me in your links, thank you for your time and for the friendship. Its something that I will always cherish. Also, thank you for nominating this blog at the Philippine Blog Awards.

Just seeing my url there gives me the shivers!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I hope that you will still continue to visit my new blog...

Happy Birthday to my blog!!!